Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Drive-IN

Last night I went to the Drive-In theater here in Abilene. I love it! Who could disagree with a truck bed padded with pillows and blankets, food, and 2 movies for the price of one? Oh yeah, can't forget a Gracey snuggled on your lap. Now that completes the vision.
Who needs a movie theater with loud annoying people talking right next to you? It never fails! When I go to the movies, get settled by finding the perfect seat, there's always something that happens.
Not too long ago I saw, what I now think is an amazing movie, "the Notebook." It was a rainy afternoon and I was alone for the day. I sucked up my "all-by-myself" attitude and headed to the movies. I really wanted to see "the Notebook" and the day constituted a perfect excuse.
I walked in the theater feeling very shy which is odd if you know me. I am not the one that lets someone go by me and liter and not say anything.
I crawled up the stadium seats hoping no one I knew would see me and sat on the aisle seat. There was only 5 minutes until it started and in walked a couple. They were older and in there upper-thirties. The man looked "very eager" to be there with his hand stuffed in the extra large popcorn bag as he fumbled up the steps. They stepped by me and sat next to me. Looking around for an escape, I realized it was impossible. The theater was full. His leg practically touched mine. I slanted my legs out toward the aisle. That was when I heard it. It was a hideous sound. Was the movie playing a gross preview? No. I looked around and saw where it was coming from. Next to me!!
I made an assumption at this time that this man was dragged here by his wife. He had an extra large popcorn like I said, a super-sized drink, and 2 boxes of candy. That must have been like $40.00!! But it was enough to keep a grown man ammused for, let's say 2 hours. Seems like the only logical theory. Anyway, perhaps feeling a little dismayed. I pulled out my stick of gum, folded it in half, and chewed it.
"Crunch, screech, smack....Slurp." He did not stop the whole movie. Maybe he was trying to make a point to his wife. "How dare..."Crunch"... You take me..."Screech"... To this boring..."Smacks"... "Girl' movie...Slurp.!!!!" But now it was getting personal. It affected me to! I guess my favorite part was when he snorted a luggie. Possibly he never got it. He tried 10 times.
It was a serious moment in the movie. I couldn't help myself. I turned to him and saw those beady eyes as they reflected the light off the screen. His mouth half way open as he shoved another handful of the popcorn in. His over-sized cup had it's straw titled towards me.
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!" I yelled, no I am just kidding. I did not, but boy if I unleashed, he would have been sorry.
In the end, the movie ended up saving him. When the popcorn was finished he proceeded to chomp on the seeds. But the movie was all to intense and I began to finally fade him out over my sobbing (over the movie) and the sniffles and blowing of noses of the others in the theater.
So, I like the drive-in. You can be all alone, in the car with your own sound system. Lay down, eat whatever you want, bring your pet.
There's no snorting, loud popcorn, straw slurping men beside you if you don't want. (Or I may be describing your husband.)
Just you, the air, and the movie...Well and the mosiquito's that's kind of annoying to.
See the mosquito's........

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Olivia and Gracey at the park earlier today.  Posted by Hello

Ready...set...go...It's Chawennie Time!! Posted by Hello

Halloween-ie Time

Most people right now are watching TV. I cannot say anything about them, I too just finished watching an episode of "Survivor" like I do every Thursday. But beyond that, I do not find much joy in watching TV today. Maybe every now and then "Everybody Loves Raymond" brings out a laugh. Whatever happened to finding enjoyment and entertainment in one's family and friends? I believe my dog Gracey shows me an enlightened view of how I spend my time.
At first glance she is absolutely adorable and proper. Her coloring and face are a perfect representation of a puppy. One who snuggles, slobbers, and of course gives free wet kisses to anyone close enough to target.
I have been waiting a long time to adopt a puppy. Now after moving, for the 8th time in the last 2 1/2 years, I was thrilled to find out the town home accepts animals. Even without a non-refundable deposit! My mission soon as I was well after Chemotherapy was to find the perfect dog. It was a Sunday and I looked everywhere. The pet stores, the pound, and the side of the road. No puppy. For the non-picky puppy purchasers there were plenty to chose from. Dalmations, Black labs, and Doberman Pinschers. Imagine me with one of those? NO WAY (not to offend those with large breeds). All way TOO big and not with the just right "Olivia" personality I was searching for.
After an exhaustive search I neared an address in the paper annoucing a puppy for free. After driving through back streets searching (if you live in Abilene you understand how the road numbers will just end and then pick up at a random place far from where you thought it was...VERY frustrating) I found the house. I saw "the" puppy, which I later named Gracey in memory of my daughters middle name.
I had to wait a couple of days to bring her home, but when I got her it was straight to "PetSmart" for that little pup! Pink collar, toys, and more toys. What I love the most about her is she is a Chawennie! Yup a Chihuahua and a dachshund (imagine that!).
After many sleepless nights, and 3 trips to the vet, Gracey, has become an official member of my family. She is only 7 weeks as of this week. She is potty trained, knows how to sit and raise her paw, and sleeps perfectly right beside me at night.
I see beauty in her. She loves me all the time. No matter if I am sad or sick. It makes me feel as though the world needs more humans like her. How different of a thought, but how to-the-point.
Being ill has forced (and I use that word literally) me to alter everything I ever thought who I would be. Not only did it change me, but my perspective on life and the world around me. Even my spiritual relationship with the Lord was forced to either stop or continue.
Gracey is just what I needed. Well, maybe not getting up at 1am, 4am, 6am, and 8am when she needs to potty! When she gets hyper I call it "Chawennie Time" she runs to the dining room, ears back in the wind, swerves around the table, "Chawennies" down the hallway and dives into my lap barking and growling all the while. Gracey, is only a puppy. She does not have the same rights as humans. I am glad she has found a great home with people who will love her and treat her well all her life. Nevertheless, she is a gift and way more interesting than TV.
I could watch her as she teaches me joy, laughter, and most of all with her wet kisses, love.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

One of the best things created by the Lord was an animal. They are a gift from God we can enjoy, or like anything else neglect. I have been waiting a long time to adopt a puppy. Recent change allowed me to find Gracey and bring her home. She is such a joy. Puppy hood can be hard at times. But one can see the benefits of raising an animal to be kind. Gracey is special because she is a Chawennie dog (Half Chihuahua and half dachshund). We love her. Slobber and all.
 Posted by Hello

My daughter, Natalie Grace, was stillborn on October 2, 2003. I miss her a lot. She is my angel in heaven. Posted by Hello

All of my friends that came and visted for homecoming 2004. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Natalie Grace

My daughter, Natalie Grace, was born an angel. Not too many understand and those who do I wish did not. It is unbearable. I never knew pain like this existed. I alway believed in God and His power to hold all situations in His hands. But what about my daughter? Where was He the day I held her lifeless body next to mine examining every feature knowing it would be the first and last time I would see her?
There is no words or action that can comfort my soul. I held my daughter last October 2, 2003 at 3:13 am after a intense 3 day labor. She never took a breathe, never suckled sweetly at my breast, never had a first smile or a first step. Her life in the world's view never amounted to anything. But to me, she represents what is beyond here, heaven. It has become real to me. So actual I can see, hear, and tatste it.
I have tormented my mind about her over the last year. There is not much left in the world that is innocent. Children are becoming more suspicious and cruel as they learn early the world is not fair. I walk through stores and see young mothers, even younger than I, who have 4 kids and it does not seem they even know how precious their own children are. Then there are women like me who if only ask for something as innocent as a new life are denied.
Like I mention in my profile, I represent someone who does not have everything together. I do not know all the answers, but I am willing to be willing.
There has to be something more than pain. Pain has to act as a catalyst for growth and maturity. I honestly believe not many understand or will ever get to the point where only the reality of living remains. It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life. I know I will always struggle with this.
But as for my sweet angel. I long to be with her. I pray no one will go through loosing a child, but I know it will happen even as quick as when this is finished.
Please Lord, stregnthen me and everyone who knows the pain I am describing. Help us realize we don't have to wear a mask, but just be willing to be willing.
That is all I can do for now and honesty is one of the biggest weapons I have. I choose it, I Your name.

Monday, October 25, 2004


I did not know this weekend would mean so much to me. I have not seen my friends Summer, Cari, Julie, and Lynn in a while. Someone mentioned during our visit it was rare one would meet their friends for life Freshmen year in college. It is true. Most friendships first year at school do not last as long as ours. Maybe it was all the hardships we went through including the death of one of our friends, Marisa. But, perhaps one can view it as the Lord.
There is not much I attribute to the God these days. I am critical and very skeptical of what is spiritual and what is made up to soothe desires and pain. We all laughed these past days. I also cried. When my last friend, Summer, was about to leave I realized something overwhelming and my eyes could not hold the tears in. I had a jewel. If it were not in my everyday life, my job, or my relationships, it was the treasure of people whom I can always count on.
It would have been easy for them to give up on me like many have. Most tend to run away from complicated friendships because of how uncomfortable it can make one feel. But, these girls did not give up on me. Neither did Tracy, Candace, my sister and especially my best friend, Kelli.
How lucky, yeah, I, Olivia, am using this word. I am blessed and I need to be thankful. Even if it is only this.