Monday, January 31, 2005

Utopia

My heart is overflowing with inexpressible passion. One aspect of it involves existence and the other bereavement. I continue to ask myself deep questions about the past, present, and future. How will this all work out? But like the wind, my thoughts chase something intangible.
I would like to consider myself wise at the moment. After all, I have experienced pain, suffering, healing, and desire for things to be different and better.
Maybe only dreams will carry me to the utopia I visit quiet frequently. I sit on the beach. The suns perfect temperature warms my body while thoughts of only what are good comforts both the temporary and eternal. Of course Gracey is there with me, chasing the waves as they crash in and out, tickling my feet. It is a utopia, not true, but an imgained place that is more real than the ground I walk on.

Far From Here

I love music. What I love more is writing music. I wrote my first song in college. I bought a guitar with my own money and taught myself how to play. I am not a pro, but I am able to write enough to feel good about showing others. I used to have songs pop in my mind. I would run to get a piece of paper, write it down, and record it so I would not forget it. Singing is a major part of my life, and playing guitar accents it well.
I have not written a song since Natalie died. When I was on bedrest with her, I started writing her song. It came softly like a cool breeze on a warm day and I knew it was going to be precious. I don't sing it much anymore. But, last night I could have sang it over and over for hours. I played it to me, to God, and to Natalie wishing all the while she were here watching me.
I have tried to write before last night, but I just couldn't. I have had plenty to say and even more emotion to pour in one, but it just would not come, until last night. I turned off all my lights in the room except for one that had a little glow. I sang some songs I knew, Natalie's song, and then just started singing my heart. That is when I wrote "Far From Here." There are 3 verses, the first one is:

"Take me far from here today
Take me far from here I pray
Past the place where people hate
So, take me far from here today"
Copyright © 2005 Olivia M. Hall/Inspired by Grace.

It feels freeing to finally express my heart. The next two verses only compliment the emotion in the first, and the music with it, is what ultimately gives the song power and meaning. For copyright and ARR purposes I can't write the next two.
There is a place in us all that is reserved for only our deepest sadness or greatest love. I believe not too many people show this to others. But music can be a link to this place and an expression of our soul. I wish to live as though I know life is meaningless without a true concentration on what matters. Loosing everything I believed in only strenthens this quest for truth. I want to live "Far From Here" and all the world weighs one down with. There is a place I seek that is "Far From Here" in my heart, and that is with the Lord.





Friday, January 28, 2005

Hospital Memory Two

A year ago, I was in the hospital. It was almost a month into my nearly three month stay. I mentioned in an earlier blog how I underwent many procedures, tests, and surgeries. I do not even know how I manage to live. Others too, that saw my progression like a roller coaster are in awe.
Many people, probably in the hundreds came to my bedside and prayed with me. They held my hands and ask God to give me strength. I knew that is what I needed. I thought of a man at our church who was in an accident and paralyzed. I was pregnant at the time I heard him explain to all of us there that day, that he knew God has plans for him. I don't even think he knows what kind of impact he had on me. Especially when I had to "learn" to walk again.
After about 1 and 1/2 months I woke up more often and knew my situation. I asked the doctors what every medicine was for and what was the next step. I knew I had to push myself but never understood it would be that hard. I had a lot of fluid retained in my body. Dialysis was started after much contemplation. Once one starts dialysis, it is said they will never stop it until a transplant has taken place. The doctors were very hesitant, but my conditioned worsened every day and that was the only solution. I had a temporary line put in on the left side of my neck. A permanent line was going in the day my levels started returning to normal. It seriously was a miracle. What happened cannot be explained with science and technology, it is God.
I wrote about having to push myself by learn to walk. Not using my muscles and gaining so much weight brought much trouble when I thought I could just get up and walk. I could not even lift one foot before I would end up in someone's arms that caught me. It was so difficult because I knew what I wanted to do in my head, and I was doing it, but my body would not.
I slowly had to learn to walk. I used a walker, took small steps staying in my room at first. Then I went down the hall and back. And then I would do one lap around the wing. I am serious when I say it was one of the most physically draining things that happened. Being confined to a bed is death.
There is a whole other world out there we don't acknowledge because it is too painful. I too wish these memories only exist in a horror film.



Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Unmarked Path

I never knew my journey involved a mountain
And you gave me no path to follow
Hope, love, and endurance were charms around my neck
But day and night they became chains to weigh me down

I search for the summit each moment
I know you will be there waiting
But I just can’t see that far ahead
And the questions now is, will I keep going

Many have attempted to help me
Traveling aside me with promises of love
But even as my heart accepts the heartache
I return to the same thought day after day

Things I once thought were real become illusive
Sweet becomes bitter in my mouth
I begin to think you made me to wander
And my life is the dirt beneath my feet

But even in the dark, when nothing is seen
Even when all becomes hopeless
When people at my right and left abandon me
I will proceed I will climb

I am in search of love and I will not let evil win
Even if all is lost and a chasing of the wind
I will keep listening to you calling my name
And I await the sip of water that you hold in your hands

Copyright © 2005 Olivia M. Hall/ Inspired by Grace.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

A Time To Weep

I have much to say, but with a heavy heavy heart. There was an accident today and people I know and love were injured, and one little boy went to heaven.
I saw the picture of the family, and almost could see the mom's face turn from a smile with all her three boys to an uncomprehensible wail as her middle boy in an instant was gone. I want to hug her and cry with her. But flesh cannot comfort a heart that has been ripped from the chest. The death of a child has to be the worst pain. I do not understand how this much pain can exist. My heart yearns for a better day when news of such sorrow is not fathomed.
My dear friend is in the hospital, the driver, and she is in bad condition. I just saw her three days ago at my reception. She was there to give me support and love, and now I feel helpless as she is in Lubbock and I am here.
The anniversary of my hospitalization recently passed and she was there along with a group from my church. Now this year, we are all on our knees again. This time I plead for peace and comfort for those who are crying with me tonight.
I shed tears tonight for a mom and dad, a family who has lost a life. May we remember how fragile our own is as day to day we are granted a chance to make a difference.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

A Quote For Tonight

I must have read this quote over a thousand times by now. It touches my soul, and I hope these words can bring a ray of comfort in such a cruel world.

"You will not grow if you sit
in a beautiful garden,
but you will grow if you are sick,
in pain, experience losses,
and if you do not put your head in the sand,
but take the pain and learn to accept it,
not as a curse or punishment
but as a gift to you
with a very, very specific purpose."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You Oh Lord, my God.


Sunday, January 09, 2005

Inspired by Grace Reception

I have been without a computer for almost 2 weeks. I have had much to say and write about. A lot is going on. I am having a reception this Thursday night in honor of "Inspired by Grace." That is my business name for my photography, media production, inspirational art , and a line of other products.
So I have been working hard, and trying to rest when I need to. I am getting Chemo soon so I will have plenty of time to formulate a creative blog to start off the new year.
Until then!
"What the catepillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."
Richard Bach