Emerson Quote

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young

person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Forever Gift

Although my numbers are few
I recognize the Truth
And It knows me
It is Love
Love
Love
That is the most everlasting of gifts
Carried on to countless generations
Expanding
Increasing and

Growing forever

I Need Encouragement

God You know this piece of dust
It is nothing
I try to feel your joy
And except my ups and downs
But I am overwhelmed with the reminder of my sinful nature
The one I have been fighting to yield in your name
It feels impossible right now
I feel like giving up the fight
Because I have shame
From my past and from my present
I have been through so much and I realize that I am no where done
And it makes me even more tired.
I am not alone
Sadness comes uninvited
And Tears stay to comfort me
It feels like time is still
I can’t input anything in my mind
I want it to go away, but it wont
My voice struggles
My smile forced
Will everyone see I’ve been crying?
Will they see I am sad?
That my walk is slow?
I have been here before
In this hopeless dark valley
I know the choice I must make
Swallow my pain and let it take over and immobilize me
Or will I trust even when everything in me doesn’t feel this
Will I trust God will give us a child?
Will I trust God will grow our marriage?
And us individually?
Will I trust God to show me who I am without Lupus, my illness?
Without the constant pain and weakness?

I am just ready to have some peace in my life for once. Not the “Oh everyone is happy…life is always good” kind of peace. I want the days with ups and downs that help us grow and learn about each other and God. Not perfection, but just knowing who we are and living together towards the same goal.

I guess this is more than I could imagine to confess…it is hard what I am going to say…I am afraid. I am scared that I am trusting God so much for a family and I worry it will never happen. And if it doesn’t, I still need to make the decision to love God and I will. I want to have coffee with God. If only I know he hears my cries and love me. I see families and my breath stops as if punched in the stomach with the ache about my babies in heaven and the desire to love a little one and raise them to know Jesus. His word says in several locations that we may ask Him our hearts and He will answer. Please pray with Bryan and me. I know God’s timing is crucial, but my heart is sickened with my hope and prayer that God will fulfill this. I am ready to be a mom. I am asking for renewed hope and joy in expecting that day I play in my head over and over again...bringing our baby home for the first time. Oh, God, I pray through the tears as I type, You will bring this promise to truth soon. Please.

I guess I just write for encouragement tonight. But I recognize this is not an easy topic. I don't want to offend anyone by my expression of sadness. I always wanted this blog to be a safe place for me to write and work out things. Thank you to all who have journeyed with me through the years.

Open Eyed Dream

All men dream,

but not equally.

Those who dream by night

in the dusty recesses of their minds

wake in the day to find that it was vanity;

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men,

for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.

T.E. Lawrence

Hungarian Stuffed Peppers

As you may know, both of my parents are originally from Hungary. They grew up there and escaped during a very horrifying communistic reign in 1977. The goal was to come to America for a better future and my dad’s stepbrother assured them of help when they arrived. After a year of living on the streets on Paris, my mom and dad finally had the money to travel to Ludlow, Massachusetts. There my dad would work and my mom would begin to create our family. They both did not speak much English at all and required the language to get around. They had no car and after many sad miscarriages, my mom became pregnant with my sister. They moved into a small house in a tiny rural community called East Longmeadow. The house they bought would be where I was to live until I went to college.

We visited Hungary as much as possible. The money and apprehension about the Communisms practices were also concerns as we flew back and forth. One time, I remember we were almost caught there. They wouldn’t let me and my sister go back to the U.S.A. We were told we had to stay in Hungary. If I remember correctly, days went by to clear up the misunderstanding, and we were allowed to cross the border finally. Today, since 1989, Hungary is a democracy, ruled by the people and for the people. It went under some great challenges and changes, but my people never gave up hope. Hungarians are stubborn people who stick by their families. We love food and spending time with family. What happened to them during the WWI and WWII was devistating to their land.

We would return several times during my early childhood, staying sometimes months at a time. When we became older, we went only every 4 or 5 years and something my sister would get to go, and then the next time I would go with my mom. I always loved it and wished I could stay forver.

I have not been back since 1997 and it aches my heart. I feel like I am missing something inside me and long for the streets of Budapest and Debrecen. My mom has spoken and even cried in her yearning for her land, people, and most of all family. They are all still there. All my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. I never really knew them well, but I plan to see them someday in the future again.

There is some I know of my Hungarian culture and I am still trying to learn and welcome more. I need to keep it important. I speak Hungarian as much as I can and teach Bryan and other friends some words. Gracey, I know for sure is Trilingual in Chawennie, English, and Hungarian. I also remember people that are important to my culture like Sándor Petőfi. He was a poet and a great figure in the Hungarian revolution. He used his writings to demand deliverance and that the people of the country would stand up and fight for themselves. He was a man of influenece for the right reasons...he saought justice of the heart.

I also love to cook Hungarian. It makes me feel like I am carrying on a small, but important tradition to honor my heritage. Just the other day I cooked a traditional Hungarian meal called Stuffed Peppers. I did it once before, and now I was excited at the possibility of it being better the second time. I was cooking for some friends and then I would use the next batch to entertain friends again the next day. So, much was to be made and it had to be good. And it was! I was very impressed by how tasty it came out. Last time when I made it I did not put enough salt in it. This time I put to taste the ingredient and it was great. The second batch was even better because it had more time to soak in the paste. I served Hungarian cucumber salad. But don’t let this fool you…altogether (WITH 2 people) it took more than 4 hours to make and cook. But I tell you what, it is worth it.

We should remember our heritage and celebrate who we are and where we are from. Bryan is a great support to me in my desire to do things to honor that culture. He evens gets involved and excited to help...and excited to eat it.

Here are some photos of pepper making day! I wish I could distribute some samples!!!

Bryan blends with his hands the meat mixture to be stuffed in the peppers to cook.

The Hungarian Country colors are RED, WHITE , GREEN like the colors in this traditional dish

In the pot and cooking, it smells so yummy!

They turned out so yummy. I was very happy. Now I can learn something else. I will go up to MA and my mom and I will spend sometime together cooking. What else could I ask for?

Parties, Parties, and more Parties

Tonight we went to Allison’s graduation party and the West Texas Photographic Society Christmas gathering. It was a lot of fun to hop around and visit so many people. It was a cold night though, and by the time we began our journey homeward, I was an Olivia Popsicle. We always do a photo gift exchange at the Photography society party and I opened a very beautiful piece to take home. Tomorrow is the P.E.T.S. Christmas party. I am so excited, and will be sure to take photos as well. We are so blessed to have some many loving people in our lives. Thank you.

Here are some photos of tonight:

Bryan and Olivia.

Jody and Olivia with "the" spoon.

Hanging out and having fun.

West Texas Photography Members with their new photo gift.

Blessed

“Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’” John 20:29

Do you see it? This is about you. The later part of this verse has to do with us believers living honestly in Jesus right now! He calls us blessed simply because we have chosen to believe without physically seeing Him. Oh, to be given the opportunity to see my Jesus! What a chance to prove my love exists even when I do not see Him.

And He calls us blessed.

Greater Than

A while back, perhaps even a month ago, a homeless man was brutally murdered by a 15 year-old. During the night he was beaten to death and left outside until he was discovered later. In a smaller city like ours, it was devastating to learn of such hatefulness. I thought about him for days after learning of his cruel end in this world.

Did you know that over half of homeless people have a mental disability? They are somewhat incapable of taking care of themselves. They need help both with their physical needs and with medicines. They are not well spoken or socially smooth. And although I believe everyone is responsible for his or her actions, even disabled people, I trust that God has a great purpose for them. Even so, God may even honor such as this murdered man, more than me or even some of the people who we think are godly.

We will be very surprised who will be honored greatly in heaven. Because God sees the heart of all men, even the one who may not seem like was worth anything.

Noticeable

While shopping today I was humbled by an aged man standing in line in front of me at the check out counter. He seemed harmless and gentle, the type you would want to curl up on and read a story if you were a child. In front of him were two young kids in the shopping cart as their mom struggled to get everything from the cart onto the checkout counter. The kids were not able to help her, and they curiously looked around the store and met the eyes of the gentlemen. I watched as he repeatedly attempted to make the little boy smile. After several minutes (the mom at this point is STILL placing items on the belt) he succeeded and the boy quickly smiled and caught himself doing it and then tried not to smile. Soon, his mom was finished and the items were scanned and a total given. She handed the cashier her method of payment and the checkout clerk notified her that there was not enough money in the account and that only some of it went through. The kind man behind her quietly told her that he was going to pay the rest. She replied that she did not know why it denied the rest of the total. The man said all he wanted was her kids to have a Merry Christmas and that is all he expected of his kindness. She thanked him, got all her stuff in the cart, and wheeled out of the store. The man didn’t make a huge deal out of his generosity; he spoke to the lady quietly and lovingly. But I noticed and was sincerely touched. Not too many people today would actually do something like this. I think we tell ourselves that we would, but never actually act upon it. And also, not too many people would get to see something like this either. It was a gift to me to be able to witness someone’s love spread like that. Not only was the lady blessed, the man was for giving, the cashier was hopefully touched and others that might have noticed it, like me. People CAN make a difference even in the little things they do. I bet the man never thought that the person behind him would write a blog about how he was an example to many.

The Silly Things Kids Say

Yesterday, during an “emergency” (we try to only go there on a NEED basis) trip to Wal-Mart, we ended up in the guys shoe department. Bryan had actually torn the sole of his work shoes and we needed some new ones immediately. And while he was trying on several pair and critiquing their comfort and durability, I sat at the end of the shoe aisle. I was helping Bryan and was able to over hear a very interesting conversation.

There was a family one aisle over. 5 of them on their adventure to Wal-mart! The mom and dad hustled about looking for shoes for the youngest daughter, while the two boys and little girl ran about the aisles in delight. The little girl stubbornly tried on a beautiful pair of shoes and her older brother, about 7 or 8 years old came over to where she was sitting. Behind her was a large mirror and he looked at himself in it very intensely.

Then he says to his mom, “Mom, I don’t want to have pretty long eye lashes!” He looked deeply disturbed at his mom. Then he shrugged and asked, “Can’t I just cut them off?”

I was extremely amused by this and began laughing instantly. Having long eyelashes are anyone’s dream! And here is this little boy ready to take a pair of scissors and cut them off!

His mom, looked at him ever so slightly entertained and broke the terrible news to him when she answered “No.”

the Candy Cane

Yesterday I read the story of the Candy Cane. I am sure I have seen this before, but it was a nice little story…

The Candy Cane Story

A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would remind people of the true meaning of Christmas; so he made the candy cane to incorporate several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the virgin birth and sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the solid rock, the foundation of the church, and the firmness of the promise of God.

The candy maker then shaped his cane into the form of a “J” to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth as Savior. It could also represent the staff of the “Good Shepherd” with which He reaches down to reclaim the fallen lambs who, like sheep, have gone stray.

Thinking the candy was somewhat plain; the candy maker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received. The large red stripe was for the blood that was shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

…I know this may only be a story, but it is a great reminder of what Jesus did for us at Christmas. There are so many symbols around us with empty meaning. Perhaps we should search for appropriate representations of our faith.

My Plea

If there is joy, let me find it
Allow my ups and downs to bring me there
Could the goal be that of itself, if nothing defined it as an accomplishment?
A blessing may not be it, if previous experience was constant
There must be valleys, and deep caverns
Darkness causing a desperate need for Light
Journeying in the unknown gives meaning to the search
Character is formed when there are unexpected trials
Seek wisdom and knowledge
True jewels that will never perish or lose value
Brave hearts are ones that cry, ones that question their anger and doubt
Integrity visits men and women who are not offended by truth
The kind that sharpens, molds, and chisels away impurity
They do not fear, but press forward
Even if immediate reward is not seen
The promise stands solid, never ever changing even when we do
And it is the purpose and reason behind each moment
For life is not simply living
It is a fight between good and evil
And we are all on a side, whether we realize it or not
If there is Wisdom, bestow it on Your undeserving servant
For I declare Your Word demonstrates this inquiry
You have said those who ask for wisdom, You will not withold it from
If there is knowledge, let me discover its depths
Overwhelm my mind
Cause a disruption in my spirit with Your Word
Alter my vision, so I may become obedient
Give me the gift of discernment, for it is a valuable weapon
To seek You and live to prove my love for You
Show me Jesus, the Way.

Training Days

Gracey’s training is going very well. She had a session on Monday and will go in again on Wednesday to follow another therapy dog working in the hospital. It is an incredible blessing to work with Gracey around people who need her help. Already I have witnessed God’s beauty in the hurting and joy in the recovery of men and women.

After the completion of 3 training sessions, Gracey will be official. We will both have name badges and Gracey will have a P.E.T.S. bandanna with her name on it. She is so small that they actually had to test one on her that was made for a cat! I know! Don’t tell her. And, yes, they rarely do have therapy cats. It takes a very special cat to do it. I will post a photo of her in complete attire soon I hope. But, I'll have to warn you, she is REALLY cute with it on.

Happy December

Happy December.

I can't believe it is already this time of year. There is so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to.

This was just last week here in Texas! It snowed several inches on two seperate days! As you can tell, Gracey had a blast playing in it (Just Kidding).