I don’t know why I have never written about this event in my life. Perhaps it is so extremely precious and life changing that I want to hold on to it, protect it, and make sure people know how truly amazing Jesus is and not be skeptical of how He reveals Himself to His people. But the more and more I tell it (thanks to Tighe’s encouragement) I am realizing it says something really powerful about who Jesus is. The truth is, others, people, YOU need to know this. It is not mine to keep, so today, after 4 years I am writing about it so you may comprehend just how deeply Jesus loves us.
I saw Jesus.
Over four years ago I was very ill and stayed in the hospital from January to March. I was in kidney failure and had been for months before anyone caught it. By that time all of my urine that could not be excreted created poison in my body and I was fighting for my kidneys and for my life. Several times I found myself in the ICU. Everything you could imagine happened. I received a central line and they nicked my lung and I had to have a chest tube put in while I was awake, which if anyone knows is very painful. They took it out too early and I had to have another one. I was on dialysis for weeks and it was more painful than the Chemotherapy treatments I was getting. I was also on a transplant list and my sister found out she was not able to be match as a donor. My family flew up from Massachusetts because they did not know if I was going to live. Eventually I had to learn to walk again using a walker because my muscles deteriorated. My situation was bad. I was in a lot of pain and my doctors fought hard to save me. But it really ended up being God who did the biggest healing.
I don’t remember a lot of what happened during my three-month stay, but there is one moment in the ICU that I could never forget. It was when my blood pressure was fatally high. They worried about me having a stroke and placed me in a dark, cold room after administering a hefty metal-based medicine intravenously to lower my blood pressure. I can honestly tell you there is no greater pain from medicine that anyone could ever feel. I was in so much pain all I could do was scream as loud as I could. Literally I thought I was going to die. I wondered what would happen when I took my last breath. What would I see? For hours I lay there yelling, twisting and turning, and crying out to Jesus. I even felt like the nurses tired of hearing me. There was nothing else anyone could do.
Except for Jesus.
In the midst of screaming I all of a sudden stopped. I was still and quiet for the first time in hours. It was because I looked at the end of my bed and saw Jesus.
If you are anything like me, you would think when Jesus appears He would look Majestic, Holy, Authoritative, Mighty, and Superior. I expected Him to be standing with His arms lifted towards heaven. Or He might have His hands to His back and be looking up. He possibly could have fire in His eyes and look so Awesome and Powerful that it might kill or scare me. After all He is the I Am. I had spent much time pondering what it would be like to see Him because I was sure I would die soon and there I was completely and utterly wrong. He was so much more.
Jesus wasn’t standing with a huge light glowing around Him, He was on His knees crying and weeping because He saw and felt how much pain I was in. His face was that of Compassion and Love and He wanted to take away my hurt. He had tears running down His cheeks and held His hands to His chest is agony. Jesus loved me so much that He knew exactly what I was feeling and He hated it. I have wondered my whole life if Jesus knew me because there are so many people He loves, how would He notice me? But He did and He loves you just the same.
Jesus cries with us.
I am nothing special. I am ordinary. I make mistakes and ask the same questions you do. And if Jesus would cry with me, He cries with you to. And if He cries with us, He celebrates with us as well. He really desires for us to believe He knows us and cares about what happens to us. God did not create us to leave us, He wants to have a relationship with us so much so that He would meet someone like me in an ICU hospital room and show me a true characteristic of His love, His Son crying for me. Me!
After this I felt like I had a choice to live or go with Him. I know this seems very fairytale-ish, but it is the truth. I asked Him only to let me live if He had a plan for me to be used for His glory. Days later miraculously my kidneys began working again. This only happens to 2% of people in my situation. He came and met me there, healed me, and showed me these things to tell you.
This story is very valuable to me. It is my heart and something I have protected for many years. Please notice and trust how much Jesus loves you through this encounter I had 4 years ago. Jesus is so amazing and He wants to show us so much more of how much He loves us, even after He died for us.
I saw Jesus.
Over four years ago I was very ill and stayed in the hospital from January to March. I was in kidney failure and had been for months before anyone caught it. By that time all of my urine that could not be excreted created poison in my body and I was fighting for my kidneys and for my life. Several times I found myself in the ICU. Everything you could imagine happened. I received a central line and they nicked my lung and I had to have a chest tube put in while I was awake, which if anyone knows is very painful. They took it out too early and I had to have another one. I was on dialysis for weeks and it was more painful than the Chemotherapy treatments I was getting. I was also on a transplant list and my sister found out she was not able to be match as a donor. My family flew up from Massachusetts because they did not know if I was going to live. Eventually I had to learn to walk again using a walker because my muscles deteriorated. My situation was bad. I was in a lot of pain and my doctors fought hard to save me. But it really ended up being God who did the biggest healing.
I don’t remember a lot of what happened during my three-month stay, but there is one moment in the ICU that I could never forget. It was when my blood pressure was fatally high. They worried about me having a stroke and placed me in a dark, cold room after administering a hefty metal-based medicine intravenously to lower my blood pressure. I can honestly tell you there is no greater pain from medicine that anyone could ever feel. I was in so much pain all I could do was scream as loud as I could. Literally I thought I was going to die. I wondered what would happen when I took my last breath. What would I see? For hours I lay there yelling, twisting and turning, and crying out to Jesus. I even felt like the nurses tired of hearing me. There was nothing else anyone could do.
Except for Jesus.
In the midst of screaming I all of a sudden stopped. I was still and quiet for the first time in hours. It was because I looked at the end of my bed and saw Jesus.
If you are anything like me, you would think when Jesus appears He would look Majestic, Holy, Authoritative, Mighty, and Superior. I expected Him to be standing with His arms lifted towards heaven. Or He might have His hands to His back and be looking up. He possibly could have fire in His eyes and look so Awesome and Powerful that it might kill or scare me. After all He is the I Am. I had spent much time pondering what it would be like to see Him because I was sure I would die soon and there I was completely and utterly wrong. He was so much more.
Jesus wasn’t standing with a huge light glowing around Him, He was on His knees crying and weeping because He saw and felt how much pain I was in. His face was that of Compassion and Love and He wanted to take away my hurt. He had tears running down His cheeks and held His hands to His chest is agony. Jesus loved me so much that He knew exactly what I was feeling and He hated it. I have wondered my whole life if Jesus knew me because there are so many people He loves, how would He notice me? But He did and He loves you just the same.
Jesus cries with us.
I am nothing special. I am ordinary. I make mistakes and ask the same questions you do. And if Jesus would cry with me, He cries with you to. And if He cries with us, He celebrates with us as well. He really desires for us to believe He knows us and cares about what happens to us. God did not create us to leave us, He wants to have a relationship with us so much so that He would meet someone like me in an ICU hospital room and show me a true characteristic of His love, His Son crying for me. Me!
After this I felt like I had a choice to live or go with Him. I know this seems very fairytale-ish, but it is the truth. I asked Him only to let me live if He had a plan for me to be used for His glory. Days later miraculously my kidneys began working again. This only happens to 2% of people in my situation. He came and met me there, healed me, and showed me these things to tell you.
This story is very valuable to me. It is my heart and something I have protected for many years. Please notice and trust how much Jesus loves you through this encounter I had 4 years ago. Jesus is so amazing and He wants to show us so much more of how much He loves us, even after He died for us.
Jesus Loves You. Believer it. Live it. Trust it.
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing this, Olivia. I know it wasn't easy, but it is God's story in you, and an important part of who you are. I know it will bless many to see how Jesus hurts with us. I love you. "B"
Thank you for this amazing story! I stumbled across your blog looking for words to "Be small enough to hear me now". As I fight my own battles daily, I love to read of hope and inspiration. THANK YOU!
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