Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Little Eliot

I watched this video about a little boy Eliot and just felt so sad for them as he was not excpected to live beyond the first hours of his life. Loosing a baby is never easy, but when it comes down to it, they really did a great thing...they celebrated each day of his life while they had him. They said they did not want to mourn while he was alive, even though they knew what the odds were, but take every day as a gift. It is a great little video to watch and will be an inspiration for sure.

Husbandrey Silliness


So the other day I asked Bryan to get me a pair of socks and he decided to put them on me. But before you think that is the sweetest thing in the world, you should know that he didn't quite put them where they needed to go on the first try. By the time he was done, I had four socks on me! It was funny. He grabbed the camera and snapped some shots. I tried to hide but before I knew it...there it was...proof of how much he loves me.




Thanks for the Comments

Wow, thank you all SO much for your responses and ecnouragement. I am so thrilled and everyday that goes by I am just purely thankful for our support system. It doesn't matter if I only know you from the blog world, I still take every word and hold it to my heart. You all are a part of our story and I want to thank you. Elora will know that SO many people prayed her to us and it was the Lord who brought her safely home.

I have been feeling very good about everything and to tell the truth I don't feel one ounce of anxiety. I take every day as its own and knowing that we only have a short while until she is here is great. I can totally do it and wait 2 months. I never expected to feel so calm. It must be the Lord! There is so much joy going on in the next couple of months as well. One of my best friends is getting married and I will be honored to be a bridesmaid and stand next to her! My birthday, thanksgiving, and christmas are all comeing soon as well. I look into Elora's nursery a lot and sit in the glider and just imagine her there. I pray for our birth family and I just feel great.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Love Comes Softly

If you have never seen the movie "Love Comes Softly" I highly recommend it. I just finished watching it for the second time and was completely blown away by the representation of Love in the movie. It was released in 2003, so it is a little older I guess. Click HERE to see the trailer. The good thing about this movie is that it is available to check out at the library. I had to write down these 2 quotes from the movie because it touched me so much.

"Nothing is a waste of time if it adds to the person that you are."

"The truth of God's love is not that He allows bad things to happen...It's His promise...that's He'll be there with us, when they do."

We're Having A Baby!

There is SO much I want to write and share. But I am going to have to pace myself because I have lots to do. We got our call on Friday at 4:00pm. I will never forget what we were doing and how we reacted. My voice is still recovering and is raspy from screaming for joy. Elora is due this January. I am so excited. We have spent a lot of our weekend and today doing the necessary phone meetings and paperwork. Everything seems to be going wonderfully. All of your prayers and blessings have meant the world to us. We ask for your continued thoughts as we wait the next couple of months for our daughter. We will also have an opportunity to meet our birthmother and I am very excited about that.

As I write some of these details I want to share that we will be very cautious about what we write and tell about our situation. In fact no one we know, whether family or not, will know any details of why or who or anything like this. Always remember about adopting that this is someone's life and story, not a news article or soap opera show. This is an actual life and we don't believe it is anyone's business except hers of the reason or situation behind her arrival into our arms. There is nothing but honor and respect for her birthparents and we will always keep it that way by protecting Elora's story for her to share when and if she wants to.

I was so happy on Friday that I didn't sleep at all. I just kept praying and praising and writing in my journal. I kept thinking in my head, "This is the day I found out about our daughter! I know where she is and when she will be born (at least what is expected)." It felt so good and joyous to call so many people who have been praying with and supporting us. I can hear several people's reaction still in my head...my sister crying, my neighbor Tighe screaming, Casja trying to act all calm but going crazy inside because she wants to hold and spoil her, Bryan's mom's voice changing as she heard the news and doing her little giggle, my mom saying "really?" over and over again, LeighAnn's sweet message that I will never take off my phone, calling Candace while she was camping and just happened to have her phone on, Bryan's grandmother knowing what we were going to tell her by our "hello" (how do grandma's do that?), and then there was trying to get a hold of tons of others and not leaving messages because...how do you leave a message like that?

When it comes down to it, this has all been the most wonderful journey so far. I know there are no guarantee's right now until she is in our hands, but I have prayed and given this up to the Lord. Pregnancy and life are never really ours anyway, it is the Lords and I am surrendering it to Him all while rejoicing and smiling! The day I hold her will be one of the best moments of my entire life.

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

We Found Her Bedding






I was SO happy today because we found Elora's crib bedding. We had wanted lady bugs with black and pink in it. Well as we walked down the aisle of Target...there is was! We brought it home and put it all together and it looks WAY cute. I just sat there on the glider we bought used for a VERY decent amount of money, and imagined Elora sitting there and sleeping. I am so excited for her to come home. We have no news yet of any matches. But we are being presented right now to 3 birthmothers in hopes one of the will be our match. We pray for them every day. Either way we want the Lord to be working in their life, the babies, and the adoptive parents that take them home. So many people are affected and so many people are waiting just like we are. Pray with us, that she is safe and will be home with us soon.

Truth is Amazing

My husband read me a quote from a book he was reading last night and it touched my heart deeply. Today, he has written it out on his blog and I believe it was a great choice, for this quote has the power to speak truth and make a massive ability to help one understand. If you get a chance drop by it. The link is CLICK HERE.

Blessings!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Music of the Heart

My neighbor plays violin. She serenaded me once not too long ago when I was losing Rachel and told to be on bedrest. She came in, set up all the pieces from in the long case, and told me she was going to play some hymns and transition them into one another. She closed her eyes and I did as well. I sat on the bed and just felt like I was transported through time and space. I defied all laws of reality and was portaled to heaven right near the throne. My eyes began to cry because I knew what was happening. I knew we would lose this baby. I was afraid, and I needed to let go.

The music played louder and softer like my own personal harmonious narration of my journey to heaven. Tighe’s love and passion pressed harder on the violin through the glistening stick with soft shinny hair. My heart knew only what it could, pain, sadness, and doubt. The notes droned and pierced along with my tears. Waves of hope and faith that faded and rose again.

It was the beauty of this music that began healing in my heart. For it draws one into reality, and whether that is joy or sadness…music does have power to heal. Notes are language of the heart. A deep groaning to our Lord. It is a direct connection to God and draws from a deep place into ours. I got lost in her playing for me. She is a very honorable artist whose music does exactly what I think it should…draw people to Jesus.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Nutsy

It has been weeks since I first began seeing "Nutsy" the squirrel. He climbs upon our fence and Gracey chases him. I kind of wonder what would happen if she ever got to him. I know she would just want to be friends, but for some reason I just don't see that being ok with Nutsy.

Even the other evening when we walked, we noticed pecans and I just felt like a peace gift from Gracey would make everything ok. We kind of broke them and lay them on the top wood board and waited for him to arrive. I don't think it was 10 minutes later that I went back out to see if he had come. You can tell I am a very patient person. So I gave up thinking he would come when he would come.

Today as I let Gracey out, now that I always go before her and with her, I saw Nutsy the squirrel! I was so excited that he was near the nuts that I must have startled him. He flighted for his life. I didn't expect him to posses such talent as I was to behold, but I keep thinking about him and I am just that impressed.

He has super-hero powers. He leaped from our fence to the tree, which is over my height, maybe double. I simply saw a squirrel's rehearsed evacuation, appendages spread and tail propelling like an old fighter jet to get more distance. He launched himself with such preciseness that I actual worried I was about to see him thud to the ground. But no, Nutsy was talented. Yes, a very talented little squirrel who scurried up the skinny branch into the camouflage tree of safety. It makes me laugh and I gladly take it!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

My MOST Favorite Comic

This is my absolute most favorite comic in the entire existence of comic strips. It makes me laugh SO hard everytime I see it. I always think of Gracey. I finally took photos of the actual cut out Bryan brought home one day to make me laugh (sweet husband!). I hope it makes you smile as much as it does me.








Thursday, October 16, 2008

Our Adventure

We went on an adventure today to Ft. Phantom. This place is so beautiful to me. I couldn't believe the blue sky in the photos. I didn't do anything to them, this was really how blue it was. We walked around a little and then Bryan did some climbing as you can see. It was so funny. In the second photo below, Gracey was looking at Bryan climbing the smoke stack and just stared at him the whole way until he reached the top. I guess getting up was the easy part! It seemed like a long way down once he got on top. I appreciated it though because I got these great photos. Of course the last one might be the best though. Gracey got all Pioneer on us and jumped in the wagon and told me to take a picture. She is so silly.






The Power of a Story

Recently we went on a trip to Dallas. From where we are it was a 3-hour trip. It doesn’t seem like it would be extremely difficult, but with my leg condition acting up I had to stop frequently and stretch. I really enjoyed the trip a lot. We drove with Bryan’s mom. I loved talking with her up front as Bryan sat in the back. It actually went by a lot faster because of this. We meet up with Bryan’s Grandmother, Ge-Ma, Uncle Jerry, and Aunt Vickie in time to go see our younger second cousin, Andi, play flute during a main game at half time. I took some photos and then we went out to eat and went to sleep early to get up very early to go see Bryan’s brother David who was about 45 minutes away. We stayed until afternoon and headed back to our city. I dreaded to drive back, but again, the Lord gave me wonderful things to listen to and ask about. We had a lot of time as we drove and visited with our loved ones to make a memory.

My purpose of this blog is to promote story telling. I once heard that when older people share stories about their pasts, their grandchildren’s parents (their daughter) and other major funny times or events that the family had worked through, that it helps everyone stay together and know where they came from. It actually helps psychologically by bringing a powerful sense of belonging to the family, as they discover their roots. Not just does it bring a sense of belonging but also a heritage. A simple story gives a child security and confidence in who they are as they listen to where they came from. Over and over again during this trip I could have just sat there and listened to all the old funny stories about how Bryan got sick on the plane to Hawaii with a LONG flight ahead of them and no clean clothes to wear, with a lay over at the next airport and then finally the last leg of their journey to go on while being completely covered in sickness. I heard of when Ge-Ma and Ge-Pa (who was then alive) took Bryan right after Kevin (Bryan’s younger brother) was born and how he was not sleeping well and was having trouble being confined in the car seat and finally they got him to sleep in the car and Ge-Pa’s two-way radio blasted on all of a sudden and there was no success at making Bryan get back to sleep. The journey that day was almost 12 hours. They laughed hard at how upset they were and Ge-Ma nearly broke the radio….she wanted some peace and quiet while they drove and now it was not going to happen.

I love stories and think they are so important. Ask an older man or woman about something of their past. Watch as their faces completely light up and change. They feel like they matter. And their stories are important. Way back in the Bible days everything was passed on word of mouth. It was vital to tell our kids the things that happened in the past. It helped them belong and know who they were because they knew their family.

I hope we encourage our children to ask their Grandfathers and Grandmothers to tell them how it was going to school when they were in 1st grade. On long car rides go around and tell stories of the funniest time you all remember. It makes one feel appreciated and that they matter. It draws the family in closer because they can say “Yeah! I totally remember that!” and then add their point of view in it. Sooner or later you will all be laughing and crying. You will laugh at the silly stories of one I heard during this time of how Uncle Jerry and Julie his daughter was having a very hard time changing his older daughter, Lisa’s first little baby's diaper. They couldn’t take the smell. We all laughed so hard in the car….it was too funny to imagine them like that. You can also talk about the memory of someone loved but has past on. Although it is hard, it is worth it and that is how the younger generations get to know who family is and what they were like and what they stood for.

My challenge is to do this on your next road trip. Give everyone an opportunity to share something about themselves that not too many other people knew. Or have the younger kids ask questions about how things might have been when the grown-ups were growing up.

It was a great weekend for me and I look forward to growing closer to my family as we laugh, cry, and talk with each other.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

What is That?


That has to be one of my all time favorite photos of my niece Ilona when she was younger. I was looking through some old photos and came across it and nearly pee'd my pants as I laughed so hard. Isn't it just great?!

My Warning

I am not well. My pain is increasing and no one seems to know what is wrong. I am once again baffling doctors and have been given the "there is nothing else to do" remark. Honestly my heart is weary. I have lived what seems an eternity with pain and it can be so difficult to keep going. To me, I know that even when I feel weak, I will not comprimise my belief in God. I wrote this as a warning and blatant threat to satan.

It is certain
Yes, one thing
If I am pressed and weakened on the outside, I will press harder from within
you can fail my body, my skin and bones
But it will only cause my heart to plunge deeper into Truth
I will search for it
I will even die for it
For I rather sacrifice my temporary for what is eternal
I will fight
I will only release my heart to the One who is Love
The I Am
The Truth
And even if I fear it will not consume me
I am Marked with Love
And I bear its rewards
The Savior

I am going to delight in beauty. I was blessed with doing a photo shoot today and will continue seeking to capture what the Lord is doing in the hearts of men. I must remind others of their beauty, and how their existence matters.

Thank You Lord.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Opinions

Why is it that some people just think their opinion matters so much? It is a mystery to me why someone would even hint remote negativity towards our adoption. Listen, and listen well…when your friends are going to adopt after not being able to have children, having lost 3 babies along the way,…BE HAPPY FOR THEM! Don’t tell them your opinion of how they should be adopting another way. It is not your place. A true friend would be happy for them. Saying this, I was told I would be surprised at people’s comments along the way in our adoption and to not get upset at it. It just surprises me so much because I would never ever, ever, ever, ever try to stifle someone’s joy of something so exciting.

If


If there is beauty
let me seek it
If there is joy
let me not ignore it
If there is hope
let it be real
And if there is truth
let it sustain eternally

Elora's Blessings

Dear Family and Friends,

We can't even begin to tell you how thankful and excited we get from receiving announcement responses for Elora. We have begun to use them in a special way as a border along her nursery. Every time anyone enters her room you can see words of love, hope, anticipation, and faith along the room from so many people. Your hand written scripture verses, songs and poems, and thoughts of joy bring us so much courage and strength to keep going and praying that Elora will be home soon. Our ultimate desire is to have the entire border along her room filled, and we still have two walls to go. Although we greatly still need financial assistance, we ask for the fact you may not be able to help does not keep you from returning your blessing card for Elora. If the Lord provides a way for a donation to be made, then this is wonderful. If it is not possible, then this is wonderful too! We are so blown away and blessed by many people who have stepped out with contributions to our adoption fund. Most importantly, we seek your blessings, encouragement, and prayers as we continue on this journey of adoption.

Please if you have not already; send your blessing cards to us in the pre-stamped enveloped given by Greg and Tighe Baier. It would mean so much to us to have every spot filled along her border with your love. It has also been a reminder to both of us that others believe in us and wait with anticipation with us for Elora’s homecoming. We need your support right now and are so blessed to be able ask our family and friends like you for such encouragement. I am attaching a photo of her room so far so you can see what we are doing and to hopefully glimpse a spot you want for yours! Please keep sending them back, it means joy in our hearts to see that you took time to bless us with your words and finances.

Here is a photo of how it will look!



Saturday, October 11, 2008

Gas

He, he, he! I love it! I remember my freshmen year of college, gas was 98 cents in San Antonio. That makes me feel ancient to know that and see how expensive it is now! I guess we'll be walking around appendageless for a while.




An Honor

After a few days of not blogging I signed in and browsed through the blogs I keep up with. Through the "Followers" tab in our desktop options, we can allow others to join our pages as followers and it will keep up with your blogs you follow. When you sign in, all the updated blogs you follow will display. That way you don't have to click on someones blog to see if they have updated it. I have enjoyed this new feature.

This day I noticed a new blog by Leigh Ann. She has been one of the most consistent people of encouragement to me throughout almost all of the hardships I have gone through. She was always there to listen, be concerned, love, and help me with anything. When I was in the hospital for that 3 months, she was there often checking on me and bringing me food. I remember hanging out having hot tea and listening to each other. She was one person that helped me think about the future and challenged me to trust God and become emotionally healthy. I am so blessed to have her in my life. And even as the years went by after I finished Chemo treatments, we still caught up every once in awhile. She had seen me at my worst physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She knew how hard my journey had been. And she was one of the people that helped me get through it to be stronger than I was before.

On LeighAnn's blog she wrote something that touches my heart deeply. God has shown her beauty in my story. It is His story anyway, and I am glad that she noticed what the Lord did. And how I do have joy and a second chance at so many things. Praise God! She received our baby announcement and wrote a beautiful song for our baby girl. I did't know her blog was about this, so in my surprise I just lost it and cried right there at my computer desk. When going through all that I have done, and even now going through adopting our baby, it is someone special, someone loving and kind, someone like a sister that would write such beauty in rejoicing for me. She is a blessings and her words are so beautiful. I will print it, have LeighAnn sign it, and frame it and put it in the nursery! I can't wait.

Click here to read: Joy in the Morning
with Elora's song: "See You Fly" by LeighAn Heil

Thank you SO much LeighAnn, I love you.

PS. We are naming our daughter Elora. It means "God gives the Crown of Victory." Her middle name is Cynthia after her favorite Aunt, my sister. I hope the Lord brings her home soon.

Friday, October 10, 2008

A Little Elbow Grease (My Silly Bryan)


"Hey Bryan!!!!???? Bry?!!! Bryan!!!!" (Hears a voice but where is it coming from?)


"Hey, put some elbow grease into it!!!!" (Realizes it is me talking and saying something, but what?)


"Yeah!!! LOL, that's it, now it's squeaky clean. (Silly "B")

Time

What is funny about time
It goes without care
Too fast in moments loved
Too slow when things are undesired
But the fact is
It is.
A reminder we all are
To take every moment as a gift
And appreciate our ups and downs
As moments
To decide...who we are.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

An Example

I always wonder where the examples are of what some people preach and teach. The concepts sound so testing and desirable. If those who teach what we should be are not what they teach, then how can anyone feel like it is worth striving for? So few are, and I am thankful that they are. I just wish there are more. I hope that we can be a generation for our kids to look up to. I pray this.

Monday, October 06, 2008

"No Greater Love"

While searching the Internet for Christian Media I came upon a video being sold for sermon illustrations. If I were rich I would buy it and post it here, but I am afraid I will have to pass this on the cheap way, by link:

Laying Down Your Life

If you know my past you would understand the reason I began crying as I watched this video "Laying Down Your Life" from the movie "No Greater Love." My roots are Hungarian. My parents are both originally from Hungary and escaped during the communistic reign back in 1978. I am constantly reminded and honored to have my heritage and feel emotional about this clip because so many people suffered for freedom. Another great Hungarian based movie is "An American Rhapsody" starring Scarlett Johanson. I am posting the trailer below for this movie.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Review: FireProof

Wow, Wow, Wow! What an incredible movie. There is so much media in the world today that is negative, immoral, and shows illegal actions to be acceptable and fun. But this movie is real down to the core. It is hard seeing a movie that a lot of others have watched and recommended. I get very excited and my expectations are high, sometimes too high, that I feel let down. But this movie was worth all it’s bragging about. I actually got home from our date night and felt like I wanted to go and watch it again. It touched my heart because it is rare to see a movie that fights for marriage and love. And truly I feel that God really is the glue that holds a marriage together. Over and over a line in the movie was “Love sometimes isn’t just a feeling, it is a choice.” It was also very funny too and I did expect that. I laughed throughout the whole movie.

Also, for those who don’t know about the movie, there is a scene Kirk Cameron did with his co-star playing his wife. He was to kiss her and did not feel right about doing this because in real life he is married. They actually had his real wife double for his stage wife during that scene. When is it ok to kiss or make love to another person that is not your spouse when you’re acting? Is this somehow ok to do just because you are acting in a movie? I applaud Kirk. I applaud his character and his love for the Lord.

My Beautiful Nieces

I can't even begin to write how much I love and miss our two nieces, Ilona and Isabella. My sister is getting better at sending me photos of them and last night I decided these candid shots look pretty good, and I knew a way to make them look even better!!! So I worked on them and feel the quality is like they were taken in the studio. Awww...the great blessings of Photo shop! I miss them so very much.
The photos I retouched and framed are above . The top is Ilona, and the photo below is the one I retouched, or the photo I worked off of. Under Ilona is Isabella. I loved the prospective Cyndi uses to capture this moment. You can really tell Isabella has a great gigglyy attitude as you see her smile and beautiful open eyes.
We love you are sweet nieces,
Love Uncle "B and Auntie "L-La"

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Whispering Winds

Close thine eyes and no longer before me wheat amongst spacious hills and mountains,
I was taken beyond my foots positioning
My journey broke ties with gravity and true judgment
I was here, yet I was also there
Nonesuch ceaseless speculation assists comprehending what is impossible to do so
Perhaps surrendering the quest supplies remedy
It is the ocean I hear
Beating waves of resolve
Each persuading the next to continue their urgent message
A wave, a dance, the wheat, the water
An orchestra of praise!
For whose ears train recognize
A beautiful significance
A whisper within the waves of the grass
The winds sacred correspondence

Friday, October 03, 2008

Remembering Natalie: Her Angel Day


Every year on Natalie's Angel day I get down her stuff that I pack and store very carefully. I love getting out all her little reminders that she was here. Her bands from the hospital, her foot prints, her little pink crochet cap that she wore (you can see it in the photos, one where I am holding it in my hands). And then things people have sent to celebrate and remember her as well, like the candle burning. This candle was sent by my sister and we light it every year in memory of Natalie. I also have a butterfly, cards, a vase, and several flowers given me today for Natalie. The smell of all her stuff is distinct and recognized as Natalie. I looked at her photos, her funeral, and closed my eyes often to think of her sweet face next to mine. A book seen in the photos above is called "Mommy Please Don't Cry." The link this goes to is not the same illustrated one I have, but you would be able to read the words if you click on the title. But every time I turn to the page that is open on Natalie's remembrance table, I feel like I am looking at a drawing of her. On the book is a bracelet one of my sweetest friends helped me make to remember Natalie after she died. It is the most special jewelry I have besides my wedding rings.

We lit 5 candles each, as well as having Aunt Cyndi's candle burn all day long. We miss her a lot. It is good to celebrate and remember her today. I love you.

"FIREPROOF"

I have heard a lot about the new movie "Fireproof." I am so excited to see it on our date night this Saturday. It is a Christian movie from the same makers of "Facing the Giants." If you are unfamiliar with the plot please take a moment to click on "Watch Trailer" below. Just by watching the trailer, I got chills. There is so much junk out there to watch at theaters or rent on DVD. We should support movies like this, that have values, morals, standards, and love like Jesus. The reviews I heard from friends has been wonderful, "It is a MUST see!"








Thursday, October 02, 2008

Natalie's 5th Angel Day

Could it be? 5 years ago, I held Natalie Grace in my arms. 5 years ago my life changed in an instant.

5 years ago...
5 years ago...
5 years ago...
October 2, 2003...
3:13 AM...

It repeats in my mind every year. My daughter. My little girl. She was strong. She tried to hold on. She didn’t make it. Her heartbeat stopped. I delivered her and for three days I wondered as I lay in pain what the moment would be like that I saw her. She was beautiful. Her lips. Her toes. Her ears. Her nose. Her hands. Her legs. Her hair. She was there with me. It seems like a dream, no like a nightmare. Why aren’t you here? Why aren’t you alive? I had to let you go. I handed you over to the nurse. Would they know how much I loved you? Would they handle you with care and love even though you weren’t alive? They took her away from my room. The life that moved inside me. The life that was my own. A life that some people think never amounted to anything, but gave me the most inspiration. No one alive or dead, perhaps besides Jesus, could ever teach me what she did. No one could ever test the depth my soul and heart was able to care and love, as she did. No one was ever close to making heaven as real as it is to me today.

My sweet baby girl. There are no answers. There is no consolation. Nothing even in my past could make me not want her here. Nothing, and I mean nothing would cause me to say it is better she is not with me. I miss her. I cry for her. I imagine her running around with her cousins. I imagine her with Bryan. I imagine her singing and dancing. Being silly, being sweet, and being stubborn.

We celebrated your angel day with Grammy this year. We brought 5 white roses to where you are buried and prayed around your grave. I miss you unendingly. My whole heart aches today. My breath stops. I forget what to do. I forget how hard it is every year.

What else can I say? Could there be enough room even on an eternal page? No. There is no room enough to grasp my hearts pain today.

This is the first time I have ever posted any photo of Natalie. This is my hand with her feet. Precious, precious little feet. My daughter, my angel. We also had feet put on her grave as you see below. Nearly JUST the same size.



Previous posts on Natalie's Angel Day:
"I will celebrate her life and the things she taught me about God, faith, and the truth about heaven. And I will weep for all the “nevers.” I will cry out to God and ask again for His comfort to get me through tomorrow."
"My joys are happier because of you, and my sorrow is more painful because of you. But either way, I love what you mean to me."
"My daughter, Natalie Grace, was born an angel. Not too many understand and those who do I wish did not."

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

"That Was Yesterday"

Wow, there are days, like this, that I am just so thankful to say yesterday is over and I never want to do that again.

I went to the doctor for my back and they immediately sent me to go get a nerve test done on my leg. They said the cyst could be causing the pain and numbness, but wanted to make sure before they did surgery by checking the nerves in my leg. So we literally ran from one office to get the test done before they closed. I thought they might hook me up to electrodes and measure my reaction to impulses, but it was NOT anything I suspected. They hooked me up and shocked me over and over again. There are only a few things in life that I cringe at and being shocked is on my list. I closed my eyes and endured. The next set of tests is what just did it for me. They had to stick a needle in me and shock it in my muscles in my foot, leg, and lower back. I was NOT happy. By the end of it I was just in tears. It just really hurt and was not quite the experiment I needed to make me feel better.

So, if the day’s events stopped here I would still not complain. I would actually be thrilled, but unfortunately the next event of my life will haunt me for a long time.

We got ready for bed and Gracey had to go out before we slept. So, unknown why at the time, I hesitantly watched her go out.

We have a pitbull living next door to us and it has always made me uncomfortable. It bit me last year and I never reported it, I went and talked with the owners. I wanted to give the dog a chance. But over and over again this dog shows he is neglected and aggressive. He chews at the fence between our yards and has broken through on other occasions. He barks non-stop ALL night long, and lives in trash. No one ever plays with it, walks it, or even acknowledges its existence. We talked again to the owners and asked them to repair the fence, but after 2 weeks Bryan ended up doing it himself. He knows my fear and fortified the fence very well.

But last night, (pause in nearly crying again) all I heard was Gracey screaming and yelping as loud as she could. I screamed for Bryan and ran to the door just to see the neighbor’s dog hovering over Gracey with its mouth over her. Gracey was plastered to the door, wet with saliva, and ran beyond Bryan and I as we scrambled to somehow get the other dog away.

I cannot exactly explain the anger and fear that arose in me. I was so upset because they don’t even take care of the dog and in an instant Gracey could be dead because they don’t bother to take care of it. The dog broke through again in the far hidden corner of our property. We called animal control as well as the police. While we waited for them to arrive the neighbors took their dog and fled. The police came and noted the situation and told us to take Gracey to the 24-Emergency Vet. As we were leaving the animal control came and asked us to write reports and gave the neighbors until today at 8 am to hand the dog in.

Gracey got checked out and besides from expected to be sore, she is ok. The police said she is lucky to still be alive. And I know this. I really know she could have instantly been killed. I will never forget her cries and I keep thinking about her trying to get us and be protected.

I also feel really bad about the other dog. They did give the dog up to animal control. It is not the dog’s fault but the owners. I don’t know what will happen to it, and it makes me very sad to think about it. But the truth is, that was the last time I needed to worry about it. It takes ONE time for something like that to happen and kill and hurt someone else. And I consider last night that ONE time. I will NOT stand around and let that happen to Gracey, me, our child, or any other child in this neighborhood.

So I went to bed playing scenes in my head of it over and over again, all with different possible endings. It is amazing when trauma like that happens you just repeat the situation in your head over and over to try and somehow make sense of it. I finally fell asleep and woke up to the best thing EVER…Gracey snuggled at my side.