Monday, December 29, 2008

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hell

Last night we spent our one and only night with the most perfect little girl. When we woke up today we proceeded to drive and see family on our way back home. During our first stop we got a call that I will never forget. The baby's birthparents changed their minds and we had to give her up. I can't and don't want to go into details. I just know a lot of people check this blog to see updates and I feel like this may be my last blog for a long long time. My heart is sick. I screamed and yelled and cursed. I held her in my arms and said good-bye and Bryan and his Dad drove her back the 2 hours we had driven. I must say this hurts more than anything I can ever express. I am officially in hell right now. I don't even know how to survive the next minute never mind driving back to our house and seeing her room and her name all over everything. My heart hates right now. I hate God, I hate the birthparents for doing this. I can't even write all the things that I hate. There were NO signs of any regrets from the birthparents. NONE! I have always wanted to give Bryan a child. I have never seen his face so happy. And now I can barely even think about seeing him when he walks in from bringing her back there. I would ask for prayers, but I don't even think I care about prayers right now. I am beyond angry. I am beyond anything and feel so hopeless and upset. It is like she died to us and all our family. Not just Bryan and I, but EVERYONE. I could write tons more, but I guess this is it. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't understand how pain like this can exist. God where are You? Do You even care? Do You see my heart dying? What will You say? What will You do? Where is Your comfort?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Angel

Elora Cynthia Brigham
12/26/08
1:03 AM
6 lbs 9 ounces
Beautiful, Precious, Loved


Sunday, December 21, 2008

Discovery

If you listen closely you will hear it
But with skill and intention
No, it is not the wind
Nor is it the flutter of birds wings
It is not the music that fills the air
Nor the tussling leaves going about their day
It is not the sound of water flowing softly
Or the grass swaying in the breeze
It is not distance or time
Nor anything else in between
But it is simply a heart that beats
a heart that beats for You

Friday, December 19, 2008

We Ask for Victory

Has it really been that long since I've posted? I barely even know what day it is.

We got to talk with our BM yesterday and she seems ok. She is still in pain and at a 2 cm. She has been contracting sporadically and just waiting for labor to start again since taking those meds. I really hope Elora is here for Christmas. But that is 5 days away and it seem like it might not happen. We knew she was not due until January, but when we found out in November about the mucus plug and then dilation, we all were fooled! I just can't wait to see her and bring her home and then sit there and be like "Whooo! What do we do now?" Just kidding. I am sure we wont take our eyes off of her for at least a week. We have been blessed with so much. Casja sent a swing for Elora and adorable clothes for later, Angela's friend, Jessica, came by with tons of goodies, even a bassinet, and my friend Amanda dropped off tons of clothes and shoes. I feel so provided for. Elora is even on the verge of having too much! I KNOW...and she is not even here yet.

There has also been some hardship for us in the last couple of days. Our expected no-interest adoption loan fell through and then I had a terrible experience with someone who told me they were not going to donate any money to us because Elora was not African-American. You can only imagine my surprise when I was told that! I wish I could go into detail, but it is almost not even worth it. Sometimes we try so hard to correct something we have done in the past that we don't even see the way that we can honor God right in front of us. My daughter is not even born, yet was already discriminated against. And the thing about it is that we were open to any race and prayed about every situation to be considered for and this BM chose us. Elora's race is none of any one's business at this point. She should be loved for who she is. It just really shot me down to hear someone say something like that who asked months ago to let them know where they could donate to to get a tax write-off. And this all happened on the actual day we found out about not having the loan. Yikes!

But Jehovah Jireh. God Provides.

Elora's name means "God's gives the crown of Victory." And I believe she is just that. I have had friends surround me today and give me hugs and pray with me. They have seen my face worried and anxious and I am blessed to have them in my life to stick by me even when I feel so worried. Tighe even brought me a piece of chocolate cake! See...I AM blessed! (Don't tell Bryan, I didn't save him any!)

All in all, I am so happy I have God in my life. I rather seek Him like I did today then have all the security in money in the world. I believe He is True and Mighty and that He has a plan and will bless us. This is my battle, that even so I would trust and believe.

Praise God!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Battle

Last night my dreams and thoughts captured me unwillingly. Like a calf running from the lasso, so was I charging pointlessly away from my capture. The noose slipped around my legs and I was dragged away by memories, fears, anxiety, and pain. They rejoiced in their findings and relentlessly surrounded me gloating over my struggle. I awoke repeatedly trying to distinguish reality from the mist. Yet in fact, the mist covered my bed and room until all I saw was floating in an eerie subconsciousness. I fought with my heart. A battle leaving me exhausted even after I woke this morning. It was war. The past and the present line up on the battle ground of my soul. Each side looks fierce and ready to die for their cause. The battle cries wail into the dark sky. Thunder splits across the mountains. Small beads of sweat appear on the warriors faces. It will be a cataclysmic destruction. I tried to stop it arise in my soul. I tossed and turned hoping to shake the inevitable from my mind. How can one be tired that sleeps? Approaching daylight shook slavery. The war dissipated into a shadow that follows me waiting patiently until all shadows join each other at dusk. These are the wars of those who lose someone they love. Always susceptible to inner battle and waiting for the day when these unwilling captures of the mind will be no more.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Hanging In

Adoption News: We are hanging in there with excitement and joy, anticipation and wonder, and a little patience, but not as much as I would like! Everyone is doing well. We got to speak with our BM this morning and she seems to be in great spirits. I was so happy we got to talk. I needed to hear that everything is ok. I guess when you are this close, you begin to wonder if everything will be ok. I started feeling, for no reason except that this all is very intense, that maybe this was not going to work out. It is silly because nothing happened except that we did not hear anything since Thursday, which we weren't necessarily supposed to anyway. I will have to say that adoption is not for the faint of heart. Just like one going to boot camp, you have to have the goal in mind and stay focused. My emotions want to go crazy! But I have to keep myself under control. This is sort of a boot camp for emotions. I think when you get ready to adopt they need to hand you (1) Paper work (2) Financial Worksheets and (3) Sedatives. Her next appointment is Thursday. So we will wait and pray.

Life: Angela and Tighe took me out for my birthday the other day and we feasted at Olive Garden. I loved hanging out with them. Thank you sweet friends! We need to do it more often. Bryan won a 7 piece surround sound system for our TV at his Christmas party for his work. I have never won anything like that ever. I told my sister that his eyes grew at least 10 inches wide that night when they called his name. He deserved it! We also had a flat tire on the car that is loaded with our evacuation material for Elora's birth. I am so happy we were able to fix it within hours...I just knew that they would call during that time, but they didn't. We also began getting Christmas cards and I LOVE them so much. They are all hanging up. We should be sending ours off this week. And, yeah...I am really happy that Bob won Survivor! LOL

Thursday, December 11, 2008

So We Wait

Last night we talked with our Social Worker and was told the medicine to stop labor is making our Birthmother (BM) feel shaky and the medicine to counteract the shakiness is making her nauseous. Also BM said she feels Elora, but not as much. And the medicine makes our BM's heart race. So we are not sure what will happen. I assume she will go see her doctor today. I am literally waiting on the edge of my seat. I just feel that Elora is 36 weeks and I am not so sure why they are pushing our Birthmother like this. I know too much about prematurity and I know that having Elora stay is optimal, but if our birthmother is in so much pain day after day and the medicine makes her feel worse, and Elora is 36 weeks, and our circumstance with adoption is very difficult for the birthmother emotionally, why don't they just deliver? Don't get me wrong, some of my reasoning is fear, some of it is excitement, but most of it is thinking about all those different aspects I wrote above. Perhaps most of it is that I feel like I have no control over the matter and I am worried that something might go wrong and I wont be able to protect Elora. I think, besides my kidney failure, this is one of the most challenging surrenders to God I have ever had. I have to trust God, that He is able to hold all of this in His hands. I mean I know this in my head, but then I start thinking about all the "what if's" and my heart begins to race like I just ran around the state of New Jersey.

Other than this, I actually found a way to buy Christmas presents this year and accomplished it yesterday. We also set up our tree and stockings! I jumped around like a little girl the night we transformed our house to a winter wonderland full of sparkly lights and red! It will be a great Christmas with so much to be thankful for and to celebrate. Also, we cooked our first turkey. Thanks to Tighe, I got a good recipe. It was something we had that we needed to cook, so why not now?

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Taking Meds to Stop Labor

Our birthmother went to the hospital again today because she felt tons of contractions. They checked her and she was a little above a 2 cm, which technically affirms labor. They decided they were going to administer medicine to try and stop labor at least for a week or two so Elora will grow a little more. (She is told she is 35 weeks, although it may just be Elora's measurments being small) The birthmother is at home resting until the next appointment on the 18. I will get to speak with her on the phone that day. It seems that Elora is doing great, but they want to make sure she has as much time as she needs. They say they will stop having our birthmother take the medicine in two weeks maximum (which will be Christmas day!). So unless her water breaks or labor continues even though she is taking the medicine, we will be waiting. I just want everyone to be safe. I am finding all of this information really hard right now and feel very nervous. Please pray for me to have peace.

Update

Praise the Lord!

We went and visited our birthfamily again this past weekend and everything went very well. More and more the Lord confirms and affirms how this match is of Him. There are no new signs of progression of labor. But we are told to be ready to go at a phone call. They seem to think she will be here definitely for Christmas, but I am just giving the timing up to the Lord. It is really difficult to be so excited for the arrival of your child through adoption and not have the ability to feel the signs of labor and things like that. For weeks now we have been thinking she would be here, but I am pleased she is waiting so she can be healthier.

I feel it in my soul that my life is about to change so much. I know that within weeks we will be witnessing God's power and Victory in our lives through the birth of Elora. I want to be faithful with the time I have left before that happens, seeking God in prayer, in thought, and in learning of who He is both in scripture and by experience. But as each day goes by I feel that she is missing. I can hear her, smell her, and feel her. I just know that soon we will be saying to each other "How did we ever live without her in our family?" There is peace in the fact that it will happen and it will happen soon. I just want it to be now! LOL!

Here is Maggie and I with the cutest presents ever. They bought us some burp cloths and a blankie that has Elora's name on it. I LOVE them so much. There has been so many instances that I realize God has been working everything to His glory and one of those situations is us being able to stay with the Morgans. They live in the same place our birthfamily does and where Elora will be born. They have been very supportive and offer their home to us whenever we go there. They also love Gracey so much. They are truly an encouragement and people who not only love Jesus, but show His love to the world. We have been so blessed to stay at their home, be taught by their life, and have fun and rejoice through what God is doing. They are a part of a wonderful church that truly shows God's love. We always have felt like we are at home at their house and at church. That is MUCH better than staying in a hotel and not knowing anyone in that city.

God is so Amazing!

I also got to visit with my friend Summer on our way back home. We stopped in Dallas for a little while. She was one of my bridesmaids and is one of the sweetest people. She is so beautiful and full of desire for the Lord.

It is so encouraging to be around people you believe in and those who believe in you. We were friends our freshmen year of college and those we shared a hall with we still communicate and keep up with. We all don't talk very often, but it is as though we never skipped a beat when we do.

Keep us in your prayers. I can't wait to post our very first photos of our new family on here. Please pray that God will give us a safe drive to the delivery and He will be honored and glorified throughout the birth and as we bring Elora home. There is so much to wonder about during the 48 hours at the hospital. I pray I will be a vessel to listen to the Lord and be able to discern and love.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Hachi-Ko

I heard about a wonderful new movie being worked on called Hachi-Ko. It is a TRUE story that took place in 1924 about an Akita dog who was very loyal to his master. Every day the dog would walk his master to the subway station in Japan and then later in the evening the dog would meet his master at the subway and walk him home no matter what the weather was like. Tragically the master died YET Hachi-Ko continued to wait for his master at the subway station. He even remained there for nearly 3-days right after his master died waiting for him to come home. For the rest of the dogs life, which was 9 more years!, he continued walking to the station everyday to wait for his master. The loyalty and love of this dog was honored and memorialized by the naming of that particular station after the dog. There is even a statue of this sweet animal paying tribute to the faithfulness of his love for his master.

I believe animals are a way to show how much we are able to love and to prove how unselfishly they can love us no matter what we have done.

Appointment

Everything went well at the appointment this morning. No new status of progression. The doctor is hoping she will wait at least another 2 weeks. That seems like an eternity to me, but I know that she needs to be as healthy as possible, so I will wait and keep myself busy! Have any ideas? LOL! We will be going to visit her this weekend. I can't wait to see our birthmother again. She is a very sweet person. I guess I haven't had as much time to be nervous about going, but now that I realize it is so close, I am getting those butterflies in my stomach again! But I love butterflies!

PS. Last night I slept forever! I went to bed at 7:30 pm and woke up around 8 am when I heard Bryan get up for work. I was amazed! It was probably because LeighAnn and I e-mailed about the topic of sleep.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Phone Calls

It is so funny lately when I call people. With the excitement of Elora's possible arrival at any moment everyone I call answers RIGHT away and then when I say I am calling to say "hi" or see how they are - I hear this little spark of disappointment. Everyone is anxious for me to call them to say we are on our way and believe me I am so excited to get that call. We have our evacuation plan memorized. We have clothes picked out to wear on the drive if it happens in the middle of the night, and I moved the shoes to our closets because they were in the way. I told Bryan that we surely wouldn't forget our shoes...but who knows! I just hope I remember Gracey. I started writing down everything so we wont have to think. Gracey is on there! LOL! I am just so thankful for how loving and excited everyone is. In God's perfect timing!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Didya Know?

In our night sky we are able to see two distinct planets beside the moon. I saw this several nights ago and it looked kind of eerie to me! We saw it again at Tighe and Greg's house and thought these are really planets. Last night my mother-in-law called and affirmed that they are in fact planets and it is a rare occurrence of them lining up in "proximity" of the moon. I mean it is not close at all, but because of where we are it looks close. Bryan and I even adventured last night to go find it to take some photos, but it set already and I was sad because I thought that was the last time...but I went out tonight and I saw it better then any of the other times. I took some photos and I am SO amazed because you can see detail in the specific planets beside the moon and with the naked eye, the details were not visible to me at all. I tried looking up what they were but I am not certain. I know it is Saturn, but I am not sure on the other, maybe Mercury?

Here is what I took tonight! First with the moon in view and the next just the two planets...you can actually see texture to them! WOW!


God, You are SO wonderful and beautiful. Thank you so much for designing the world to reflect wonder and mystery. You set the stars and planets in space! We are You masterpiece!!!

Photo's from Surprise Shower

On Monday I received a huge package and was told to wait and open it with Bryan. It turned out to be one of the most wonderful surprises I have ever had! My sister threw me a surprise baby shower in Massachusetts and then sent all the plunder to me without me knowing about any of it! She invited all my friends and family and they had a "show & tell" shower while they packed everything in this adorable box! They also created a scrapbook with notes and cards in it and I got to see what they did by the photos in it as well. Elora has some really neat things with her name on it from Casja and my friend Jenn, who took time to personally make her a bib and blanket! Now Elora has her mobile as well from my other friend Jenn. My mom made a blanket just for Elora (the blackish one in the last photo). Cari (aka EEE) got her a Savvy seat for the grocey cart! I really wanted one! We also got some adorable clothes and much needed things for her! I was SO blessed I cried. Bryan took tons of photos and even a video that was previously posted. I can't wait for Elora to use all these things! It was my first baby shower ever! I wish I were there! LOL! But seriously this was SO wonderful. The first photos below are some of the actual day. Cyndi sent me a CD with some of the photos she took that afternoon! Isn't my sister and friends and family in MA so sweet? Thank you!

A Surprise Baby Shower