Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hell

Last night we spent our one and only night with the most perfect little girl. When we woke up today we proceeded to drive and see family on our way back home. During our first stop we got a call that I will never forget. The baby's birthparents changed their minds and we had to give her up. I can't and don't want to go into details. I just know a lot of people check this blog to see updates and I feel like this may be my last blog for a long long time. My heart is sick. I screamed and yelled and cursed. I held her in my arms and said good-bye and Bryan and his Dad drove her back the 2 hours we had driven. I must say this hurts more than anything I can ever express. I am officially in hell right now. I don't even know how to survive the next minute never mind driving back to our house and seeing her room and her name all over everything. My heart hates right now. I hate God, I hate the birthparents for doing this. I can't even write all the things that I hate. There were NO signs of any regrets from the birthparents. NONE! I have always wanted to give Bryan a child. I have never seen his face so happy. And now I can barely even think about seeing him when he walks in from bringing her back there. I would ask for prayers, but I don't even think I care about prayers right now. I am beyond angry. I am beyond anything and feel so hopeless and upset. It is like she died to us and all our family. Not just Bryan and I, but EVERYONE. I could write tons more, but I guess this is it. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't understand how pain like this can exist. God where are You? Do You even care? Do You see my heart dying? What will You say? What will You do? Where is Your comfort?

16 comments:

Katelyn said...

I am so sorry.

Terri said...

I am reading your blog for the first time. I am a friend of Maggie and Rand E. I have been following your story through Maggie and I couldn't wait to hear about your story. I was not expecting this. I am so very sorry and my heart breaks for you. I know God will get you through this difficult time. I truly understand your feelings. My love is with you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Terri

Angela said...

You have been on my heart, my mind and prayers all day. I have no words to diminish your pain and my heart weeps with yours although I don't think that would be much comfort either. I don't know if you will be checking this or e-mail, but know that I love you and I know it will be hard for you to see me, but I'm here for you in whatever way that will help you. If you need space, you've got it. If you need time together, we'll make it happen. My mind and heart are in denial, thinking that BM will change her mind again, but I know that that may or may not be the case. I'm with you on all the questions you have for God. The last few weeks the prayer I've had for you all along has been: God make a way. Now more than ever there MUST be a way. A way out of the heartache and pain, a way to victory. I wish I had more to offer you.

Ami said...

I'm heartbroken by this. I've been following you and Bryan, and looked forward to every post to share in your expectations. Why is there so much injustice and unfairness in life? My heart goes out to at this time. I can't imagine the pain you're in, but after all the curves you've been thrown in life, I believe you are a very strong person and will go thru the fire tempered by it and not devoured. At least that is what I will pray.

Ami

LeighAnn said...

Nothing to say or do but be here when you need me to be. If you want or need to talk I am here. here without the plattitudes and the advice and the reasons, (dont have any). cant understand what you are going through, but can listen to you, and you can be as angry as you like. I love you very much. When you are ready, I will be around.

BeckyJoie at Leaders in Learning said...

My Dear Olivia, I am so sorry to hear this. I too am grieving the loss of yet another daughter so I know to a point how you feel. I pray God's loving arms of comfort will embarace you both in this time.

Lynn said...

Olivia

I have no words to express how much my heart hurts for you and Bryan right now! I wish that there was something I could offer to comfort you or to bless you. I don't know what it may be. All I do know is that I love you very much. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know!

karen said...

Olivia,

I have been reading your blog for quite some time, though I don't think I've ever commented. We went to ACU together, though we didn't run in the same circles. I guess I knew of you since we were two of the few from MA.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the amount of grief and pain you are in right now. I'm sure it feels insurmountable. While I have not walked in valleys as deep as those that you have survived, there have been times in my life when I haven't even had the strength or desire to pray. This is one of those times for you. And so, without knowing what or how to pray for you, I lift you up to the Father during this time. I cannot understand why He would allow this to happen - after all that you have been through, but I do believe that He will help you to climb out of this pit of grief in time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Karen

Heather said...

You and your adoption were in my thoughts today, and though I didn't know if you would have put any information out there about it, I started searching to see how it was coming.

I was shocked to hear the sad news! I'm so terribly sorry. Know that God placed you in my thoughts on this very day. He knows. He cares. He is mourning with you.

Love,
Heather Guitar

Rand and Maggie said...

Olivia, our hearts continue to ache for you and Bryan. Our prayers have not stopped and we are begging for the Father's mercy and grace to pour over you.

We love you dearly,
Rand and Maggie

Amy Porter said...

Olivia-
I have kept up with your story and have been super excited with you in this adventure. And now, my heart is breaking and hurting for you. I have not commented until now for fear of what to say, but I realize that there is no "right" thing to say, so I at least wanted you to know you are loved and my husband and I (and many more in my family) are faithfully praying for you. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.
Love-
Amy (Rasco)

jaymie said...

i wish we could make you feel better, but we know we can't. we just want you to know we care so much and you are in our prayers NON STOP may the GOD of peace or hope or healing or comfort or whatever you need find his way in your home.

Candace J Banks said...

olivia,
my sweet sister...i want you to know that i love you...i can't begin to imagine what you must be thinking or feeling...i can't begin to grasp the enormous & overwhelming feelings of anger and hurt and despair...i am so incredibly disappointed for yall...my heart is breaking for you, my sister...i love you and we will be praying for you....candace

Jennifer said...

Olivia,
I was praying for the words to say, my heart is sick. I am always praying for you guys... I am so sorry. We love you

tlnew said...

I do not know you or your husband but God knows your heart and aches tonight and is sadness and hurt by the decision that has been made. He is there for you and you will survive. He will bring something good from this, praying His comfort and peace for your heart right now. Keep the Faith b/c that's really all we have and it's worth it all. Many prayers for the days to come. Your sister in Christ, Terri N

Barbara Ann Price said...

You are MY Hero!!!!!! I love you and miss you dearly. Always in my heart and prayers.