Sunday, December 28, 2008
Last night we spent our one and only night with the most perfect little girl. When we woke up today we proceeded to drive and see family on our way back home. During our first stop we got a call that I will never forget. The baby's birthparents changed their minds and we had to give her up. I can't and don't want to go into details. I just know a lot of people check this blog to see updates and I feel like this may be my last blog for a long long time. My heart is sick. I screamed and yelled and cursed. I held her in my arms and said good-bye and Bryan and his Dad drove her back the 2 hours we had driven. I must say this hurts more than anything I can ever express. I am officially in hell right now. I don't even know how to survive the next minute never mind driving back to our house and seeing her room and her name all over everything. My heart hates right now. I hate God, I hate the birthparents for doing this. I can't even write all the things that I hate. There were NO signs of any regrets from the birthparents. NONE! I have always wanted to give Bryan a child. I have never seen his face so happy. And now I can barely even think about seeing him when he walks in from bringing her back there. I would ask for prayers, but I don't even think I care about prayers right now. I am beyond angry. I am beyond anything and feel so hopeless and upset. It is like she died to us and all our family. Not just Bryan and I, but EVERYONE. I could write tons more, but I guess this is it. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't understand how pain like this can exist. God where are You? Do You even care? Do You see my heart dying? What will You say? What will You do? Where is Your comfort?