Thursday, January 22, 2009

"Our Hope Endures"

I love Natalie Grant. She wrote the song "Held" that expresses the sorrow and pain of losing a child and now she has captured my heart again with her song "Our Hope Endures." The lyrics are very touching. Click below for the song to play.



You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Worst of Time, Best of Times

I am up writing because the pain and sorrow of missing Elora hurts deeply. I lay there thinking about our time we had together. All the joy and happiness that came with being her mom and dad. Memories attack left to right with smells of sweet baby breath, or a place that has sentiment that we drove by when we found out we were chosen, or the small pink onsies with strawberries on it folded in the laundry basket to be put away. It was one of the only things of ours we put on her that I loved so much.

I sit around and think a lot. I drift off into an alternate universe and my mind thinks and fights as it tries to make sense out of all of it even though I know it is impossible. We had her in our arms and were on our way home with her. I remember looking at how happy Bryan was in the car just moments before our lives were shot and stabbed at repeatedly without and concern. He was so proud as I caught him looking in the rear-view-mirror to see if we were ok back there when he was driving.

I felt so overwhelmed by how much love was waiting at our house when we got back. We had cards, tons of food, flowers, and someone made a very humble donations to us that when we read why and accepted the gift, we just cried and were in shock. I am telling the truth that if it weren't for those people who went out of their way to bless us, it would have been a entirely different way to come home. The love in our home through those gift certificates as well, was something we needed to feel. Thank you so much to everyone who took a moment to love us during this time. We needed it so badly.

I began this post for what I am about to say. While driving back to Abilene after going to MA, I just thought a lot about pain and how within an instant things can change forever. That day I recognized every second going by on the clock because it hurt to breath. The pain I felt inside was so enormous, I felt like it was swallowing me alive. And it made me so mad that the world can keep on going, like nothing ever happened. People still want to drive crazy, or worry about stupid things. I wanted the world to stop and grieve with me. I was even angry at the sun rising in the morning. But whether I like it or not, I also realized that someone somewhere was having the best day of their lives while I could barely get out of bed. Something amazing may have happened to them and they would always remember that day as the best day. That bugged me. Because that day was the worst of mine. So much so that I wish I could erase the pain I feel about it all. I don't want to forget her, but I have to let her go in a healthy way and never stop praying for her as the years go by.

The crazy thing is that I DID have the worst day in my life, and someone else had the best day of their life that day. I guess what I was blown away by is that I was the person who had the worst day ever and wanted everyone to stop and mourn with me, but I was also the person who had the best day of their life ever. Having Elora was one of the best 24 hours I ever had. She was worth it. Being able to usher her into the world as we praised God was needed. Having Bry and I speak God's words and promises over her, made it worth it, and us singing praises over her was one of the best days I ever had. So it was the best of times and it was the worst of times.

I just never looked at it this way before. That my circumstances on that day touched both prospectives.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What Now?

This seems to be the ultimate question people ask. In fact it was something Bryan and I struggled with while visiting my family in MA. What do we do next?

It feels like so much has been robbed from me for years now. I lost Natalie. We decided to try and get pregnant 2 times out of faith and both times we lost the baby. It was because of something like this happening that I didn't want to adopt. I rather have gotten pregnant again then have an adoption fall through like we did. But here we are, not innocent to be happy in adopting anymore lest we get our hearts involved or are on our way home with our daughter and have to bring her back. The joy and wonder of adopting through a birth family has been replaced with sorrow and fear. We will never be able to have that same wonder and awe like we did when we began this process back in July.

But what do you do when you have a dream or a purpose,...a calling? If you truly believe you do, then you don't give up no matter what. My desire to be a mom has been attacked over and over again because I know that satan knows I will be a good mom. There are so many wonderful people who cannot have kids that will make a difference to a child because they know how precious life is. We can't take children for granted.

So we decided to go ahead and keep our names in the pool with our agencies. We got back home and talked with several people from different agencies and contacted a sweet lady that works with CPS cases. It just happened that the PRIDE classes started that Monday. It is an 8 week course that will ultimately allow you to adopt through the state. We went that evening and just didn't know what we were going to decide. On the way home we felt very good about this route. It was funny because this was the thing we really wanted to avoid because we were nervous about the process.

But isn't it funny the things that happen? Would you know that the NEXT DAY we got picked by another birth family? We were so surprised. We didn't know what to do since we already decided to pursue CPS adoptions. So we were given 24 hours to decide and we prayed and struggled and talked with our friends and family. It was a very hard decision for us, but we decided to not accept the birth family situation and keep taking our PRIDE classes and adopt through CPS.

I can't tell you how hard that was because for over 6 months we have been wanting a birth family situation. We worked so hard for that and then we come to the conclusion that we are being led a different way. It was very hard to tell the agency. And I worry that I will second guess myself, but I believe God has a plan in all this and I am more concerned with pleasing Him then I am with pleasing myself or someone else.

So we are in the midst of completing the classes. We have 6 more to go and will be done March 2. We could get a call that week or months from then, but I have begun already to pray for the kids we will be able to show love to.

This doesn't mean that I am over what has happened. My heart aches for Elora daily. We have a picture of Bryan and I with her up to remind us to pray for her, that God will use her one day powerfully in her family and in His Kingdom. I just wish I could understand, but even that is something we must surrender in tragedy.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A Failure

I have started this post many times and just couldn't get myself to write what was in my heart, so I didn't force myself. I hoped that maybe sometime soon I would release my heart enough to write and do the things that bring me closer to God, as writing.

Last time I wrote I blatantly said I hate God. An understanding needs to be viewed with that. I was literally waiting for Bryan to drive back to where I was as he was bringing Elora back. So my heart was dying over and over again. It is a pain that comes and attacks over and over as every second goes by on the clock. We flew to MA on Tuesday and stayed with my sister for 10 days. We flew back and arrived back in town on Friday. I was so sad to come back because of her room all set up and her name all over the place. So it is not like she was gone without having to see all the things we did to prepare for her.

But I realized, while in Ma, that I am a failure. I cannot hate God even if I tried, which I did for a couple of days and it just wasn't possible. I hate what has happened with every fiber of who I am. I still oscilate between grief and unbearable sadness to anger and disgust. But I know in the end I am fighter who will keep my heart towards the Lord. I just needed to express that I was angry at God. And I honestly see no problem with it. We need to bring our anger to Him.

There is so much more to write and search through, but I know this was at least a beginning.