Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I have been wanting to read the book "Dewey" for a long time and finally had the chance to. After I read "Marly & Me" I had to take a break from anything that would cause tears in my eyes and a grip on Gracey that made me repeat "You will live forever" over and over again. I checked it out of the library, which really added to the affect of the book! I found this video that was made and talked about in the book and enjoyed seeing Dewey in action. Animals are such amazing creatures that give comfort and love. I know I would not have made it without Gracey. She is a blessing to me...and she will live forever!

Monday, May 25, 2009

One Blade of Grass

I sat below the large tree in the middle of the cemetery and scribbled on a small piece of paper upon my lap...

"A piece of my legacy and future died today. A part of my identity is forever lost without me even knowing most of the story. See we are all mere blades of grass in a field. One piece next to the other. If you lay and examine one little strand filed within an everlasting horizon of green, you could not even begin to comprehend the significance of how far they've added to and how their existence continues a journey, a road. But that one little blade adds distance, however small it may be, and millions together add to travel miles and miles, one getting just a little bit farther then the rest. See we all matter, even if we perhaps do not attest to our significance. We further our family, our legacy, our identity, our story, just by being alive. My grandmother, Klara died in Hungary last night. I did not grow up seeing her regularly, but I do remember her and love her very much. She was someone who continued the journey and allowed me to take on the challenges of this life, that I too may be a blade of grass that adds to a beautiful field. She may only have been a blade as well, but she was one that propelled the future and gave me the most precious gift, life. "

In loving Memory of Klara Boros
September 12, 1925-May 22, 2009

Saturday, May 23, 2009


A man is claiming to be obeying Jesus Christ in the Congo while he violently abuses children. Their crime, being witches. "Pastor" Moise Thsombe says he has the gift of the Holy Spirit's discernment and gladly, for a fee of $50.00 (because all things God does cost money, right?), can exorcise demons from children to thwart the parents hardship of economic difficulty. A segment aired on Dan Harris's World News broadcast yesterday evening. The video of children's pain and torment as the man bites their flesh and drips burning wax and flame haunt me.

Jesus never abused children or blamed them. He loved them and cherished their innocence and wonder. I can't even imagine the children's pain as they grow up believing they are evil. The man snickered and laughed when the news caster asked him if this was simply a scam to take people's money.

I do not even pray for the salvation of this man. I don't care even for him to realize how wrong he is. I want justice and pain for him. I want him to pay for the unnecessary torture he is causing to young children. If God blames me for wanting him dead, then so be it. I don't know how anyone can watch what he is doing falsely in my Savior's name and wish him compassion.

Friday, May 22, 2009


When did life become more of a reality then a hope of what lies ahead? I remember dreaming in high school and college of who I was going to be, the things I would experience, and the way I would try and honor the Lord in my work. Somewhere in between that and what my life is today, I lost an innocence. Do we all? Is this normal to grieve the purity and joy we looked at life with? I now see life more as an obstacle to survive, it is afterall what I have been doing since 2003. When things continue ripping away without your consent you begin to wonder how strong you were even meant to be. I often feel the trials I have been through are trivialized. I sometimes even forget the nightmares I was forced to live through because there is no place in this world for someone who feels so deeply about so many intense things. People don't want to be bothered. Heck, if I could go back and become one of them, naive and the only stress is that we don't know where to take our next vacation, I would gladly. Am I to act like none of it affected me? You can't make a mind forget. I wish I could. I would have used the technique willingly without any hesitation. I thought after I lost Natalie, went through chemo and got divorced, that this would be my trial to survive. Couldn't that just be it? I was excited to say "Wow, that sucked, but it is over and now look, I made it!" But it just keeps on going sometimes. Loosing babies and now having this little boy Jase and completely not knowing what will happen every single day. I seek resolution, peace, comfort. But some people in this world (and only one who is like this can understand) knows God's kingdom offers that rest and we have to keep on going and fight for love at all cost in the name of Jesus, even if we experience pain after pain.

See this is not a complaint or surrender, this is recognition. Recognition of my battle and one I will conquer because Jesus is always worth it no matter what happens in this world.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Lake p2

Grammy gave us the Royal treatment at the place she works for. We road around in a golf cart, cruised the pool and splashy kiddie spot and even went and saw the horses. Jase loves tractors and took a shot with his favorite one! Thanks Grammy!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Beard

Jase has a beard! Shouldn't every child have a picture like this? He was really proud of himself.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Funny Video

America's Funniest Home Video's have really come a long way since I was little. I remember watching them with my family when I was young. I don't watch it often anymore because a lot of what the host says is perverted, as if something funny needs to be sexual these days! I will record it on the DVR and fast forward him talking. I watched an episode the other day (while my sweet hubby cooked me dinner!) and this video came on. I laughed so hard that I stopped and rewound it and made Bryan watch it with me. I decided to search for it on the web and found it immediately. I almost want to cry for this poor little girl. I sincerely think she felt what she expressed in her heart. The poor thing! I want to scoop her up and tell her it is ok.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Life's A Journey

Maybe the Lord did not bless us with Jase because we could offer him help, but because he challenges us in ways we would never think imaginable. It is because of him we have grown physically, mentally, spiritually, and closer to each other in our marriage. Having a child never solves any problems, but it does contribute to one thing, the most important of all, LOVE.

The photo's are of our trip to the lake house. He got to drive the boat with Grammy and even catch a fish. I like to see Jase experience new things. We will be going to the lake a lot this summer!

Jase's case will go to court in July. We hope to be able to petition to adopt then, but we may have to wait a little longer. It has been 3 months since we took him into our family. We have never known how long we may have him, but we pray every night that Jesus would make Jase strong and that Jase will know the Name of Jesus in his life when he is older no matter what. Jase prays every day with his words "Jesus...I love You...Amen." He is even pooping on the potty! That is a praise for sure! The amount of growth he has gone through sincerely amazes those who know him. If you look back to the photos in February you can see he physically has become stronger and healthier. I am so proud of this little man. He is 21 months now. He loves tractors and Gracey. Please continue to pray for him. There is still a lot of things going on that he is not able to understand and we desire for him to have peace.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I'm The Bendiest?!

My niece Ilona is so funny. She can honestly turn a terrible day into a giggle-fest. She does very silly things sometimes and one of her sayings is that "I'm the Bendiest!" She got the phrase from a commercial on Noggin (a kids channel). My sister decided one day to tell her that SHE was the Bendiest and they playingly argue back and forth about who actually is. So when Bryan and I went up there last time we got in on the little game and have been teasing each other using that phrase ever since.

On Mother's day I opened a cake and on the frosting was written something pink and funny! I always hoped I would be! Just don't tell Ilona!