Friday, May 22, 2009

When

When did life become more of a reality then a hope of what lies ahead? I remember dreaming in high school and college of who I was going to be, the things I would experience, and the way I would try and honor the Lord in my work. Somewhere in between that and what my life is today, I lost an innocence. Do we all? Is this normal to grieve the purity and joy we looked at life with? I now see life more as an obstacle to survive, it is afterall what I have been doing since 2003. When things continue ripping away without your consent you begin to wonder how strong you were even meant to be. I often feel the trials I have been through are trivialized. I sometimes even forget the nightmares I was forced to live through because there is no place in this world for someone who feels so deeply about so many intense things. People don't want to be bothered. Heck, if I could go back and become one of them, naive and the only stress is that we don't know where to take our next vacation, I would gladly. Am I to act like none of it affected me? You can't make a mind forget. I wish I could. I would have used the technique willingly without any hesitation. I thought after I lost Natalie, went through chemo and got divorced, that this would be my trial to survive. Couldn't that just be it? I was excited to say "Wow, that sucked, but it is over and now look, I made it!" But it just keeps on going sometimes. Loosing babies and now having this little boy Jase and completely not knowing what will happen every single day. I seek resolution, peace, comfort. But some people in this world (and only one who is like this can understand) knows God's kingdom offers that rest and we have to keep on going and fight for love at all cost in the name of Jesus, even if we experience pain after pain.

See this is not a complaint or surrender, this is recognition. Recognition of my battle and one I will conquer because Jesus is always worth it no matter what happens in this world.

2 comments:

BeckyJoie at Leaders in Learning said...

And all the beautiful memories that you are making right now with that child have a purpose too, no matter the outcome. I hope and pray that your dreams come true. I know what it is like to hurt and to live on the edge wondering what will happen. I know what it is like to lose children,two to premature death and one by not being able to adopt her after having her in our home for most of year. There is pain and joy as well as the realization that everything is in His control and that there are things that I cannot fix or change no matter how hard my hear bleeds.
Acceptance is a blessed spot to be in. Bless you.

Lynn said...

Olivia - I love you!