Seeking God was out of desperation now. Perhaps even a little anger lured in me as I accused Him of every possible neglectful abuse. A whole new world of His comfort and wisdom was being shown to me and because I was so weak and hallow, I could detect it and craved to learn the truth even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. What was the truth? Was it that God allows pain and then just leaves you there? If we were simply pieces on a chest board then I wanted no part of it. My heart was in urgency. I trusted God my whole life and now I questioned whether or no He in fact was real. I felt like Go didn’t care, but something inside me pressed onward. But not happily, oh no, not even intrigued, I did with arms crossed.
They say Faith is believing that a car payment will be made in time, or that you will get the job you want so much, but this misses the point. Faith is believing that God is loving when there will never be any explanation as to why He allowed that bad thing to happen. Faith believes in the unseen things, even unseen emotions and love of God that is not being felt at that moment. (Hebrews 11:1, Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see). Do you know how hard making this decision really is? I didn’t want to have “faith” anymore. Who cared? I had faith when I prayed on bed rest that she would live. I had “faith” when I was recovering from being used as a pincushion for 3 months. He expected me to have faith and believe that He has purpose in torturing me? Everything I trusted with God had been uprooted and if I didn’t find where to plant again, I would dry up and blow away with the hot dust. I argued deeply with God. Did you know we can and should do this? Yes, I stepped up and gave Him a piece of my mind. But like I mentioned before, I learned through His Love and Holy Spirit in His word, that faith is present in the things unseen. Faith is present in the fact that I will never know why, but believe God is who He is and more. It wont matter how much I kick and scream or yell and hit. I can’t change what happened. This is how I ended up fighting even harder. I choose Jesus. I choose to believe and have faith, even though I still felt obligated to be angry. But I feel this is an example of truth faith. Not faith in grades or accomplishments, but saying you believe in God’s Love even when You can’t explain and never will why He allows suffering. This type of faith requires us to let go of blame. If I were going to forfeit God in my heart, I would have easily done it at this point. But I couldn’t. He wouldn’t let go of me. Like a Father mourning with His child over pain, He slowly inched His way beside me until one day I rested my head on His lap and cried. I told Him I was going to believe and I would surrender my right to know why and be angry about Natalie to His feet. The decision was made, I would believe, and now came the harder part, living this decision with hope.
I hate the saying that “time heals all wounds.” I don’t believe it for one second. But I do believe time changes things in our hearts. Jesus speaks about a “deposit” that is inside of us to grow and protect. (2 Timothy 1:14, "Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you--guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.") Could a trial be a “deposit” too? Something to be faithful with and invest to become stronger in the Lord with over a significant period of time? I think so. But any investment does not spring forth overnight, in weeks, but over months and years after we roam the desert for answers that will never come. We want fast solutions to our pain because it is uncomfortable. But we forget all the symbolic stories in the Bible of being refined and how trials produce perseverance, which leads us closer to Jesus. (James 1:2-4,"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything).
I threw myself in hope. I was going to believe He had it under control and the decision was so real that immediately I began to live this way. I was able to write a lot and had friends and family who helped me through the rest of my treatments. I searched for God as I wrote music and began Inspired by Grace. For the first time I was excited about the future. I felt the Lord promised me He would restore the innocent things that were taken away, robbed, cheated. So there was only one thing to do at the point. I had to be like Jabez and pray the Lord to bless me. I wanted to claim this promise and wait for His timing. I didn’t always know how or what to do. But I knew one thing…
I was going to BELIEVE.