How important we feel
going around like we deserve so much
as if we've done something to even permit breath
I plead and hold trials
I judge You for Loving me
as if it were a crime for You to discipline and mold me
Have You not already had Mercy?
Have You not already shown Grace?
I chase myself in circles
Hoping to prove I am there
But it is not what matters
Even when others play too
Are we all missing it?
If not then we drown ourselves in distraction
And we think it is living life
Oh God, that You would somehow pull out the rug from under us all
Am I blessed that You would allow me to struggle TO You?
I've asked for You
When I was a child I knew You beyond what I was taught
I felt You and wanted You
You were my Treasure
Has my spirit been disciplined from a believing Counselor
That painfully pushes me to grow?
Not for the faint of heart
Not simple nonsense
But tough Love
At times it almost feels like hatred
But You know me
You know I struggle with the Tamer
I go right
You pull me left
I struggle with letting You have the reigns
I must look silly
But You've never left me
Your discipline has allowed my desire for You to increase
And when it increases I find real Joy
God, a contradiction is at stake
But only in the mind of a man
It's fabricated to look as though we are persecuted or targeted
But I've drank
Give me strength to Love
But I do ask for one thing,...
Just that You would grant me joy in doing so.
Journal Entry from 10/13/2009