Saturday, December 12, 2009

Intensity

I haven't been writing a lot and I miss it. I just seem to be in an intense emotional time as I seek the Lord through a lot of things in my past (this time last year), and petition Him for my future, that I would Believe in His Promise and not be afraid. Please pray for me, I have been feeling very sad and sometimes angry because I miss Elora and my heart hurts for the war-ish battle in my heart that goes on everyday leaving me feeling completely exhausted although I slept most of the day. I need God's Joy, Wisdom, and Love to be in me and not lies from the enemy. I think when we are so close to really choosing something that states faith in God, that situation gets attacked. I don't like talking about this, I am sure no one does. I'd rather go on and pretend that things are great, but I know I need prayers as the Holiday's come around. I find myself having a bad attitude stemmed from sadness and the trauma of what happened. I must remind myself the true meaning of Christmas, and that there are thousands of people hurting worse than I am. When I ask myself what I truly believe about God, it always comes back to Loving Him. I just let myself and my desires get in the way sometimes and that is when I begin feeling sorry for myself. I want to write and speak as though I completely know the Lord is working amazing things as in regards to Bryan and I having a family. I just weary on how long I hold on to Faith and Hope and then get my heart broken and then keep going. He just wont let go of me, and I cannot of Him. I want to look back after we see God's miracle and know I fought hard to keep believing in His Promise however that may happen.

So I haven't been able to formulate a blog and even at this entry I am hesitant to post it because I just don't feel like I am accurately expressing my heart. I am not hopeless, but tired. And because of last year, I feel like all the terrible things that have happened to me are being played back in my head. I must fight back with scripture and prayers!

On another note, and "I Needa Laugh" note...Bryan bought me beautiful pink cowgirl boots for our anniversary! I love them so much and wear them whenever I get the chance! Did I mention I love them? He found a comic to show how I feel...

3 comments:

Mandy said...

Olivia, I will pray for you, and these feelings of being overwhelmed by all of the raging emotions you have going on. I will also pray for you and Bryan and the possibility of children for you... Even if you can't exactly see it right now, you ARE being strong in the Lord, and it will work out for your good. I can tell that just by reading your posts.
And I love the pink boots cartoon! Perfect.

Katelyn said...

I'm sorry you're struggling and are so tired. My heart goes out to you.

That comic strip is hilarious though!

Angela said...

i love u and your honesty. i'll be praying & cheering you on. just think of bryan in the middle of the race, when the exhilaration of the start had worn off, when the end was no where in sight and his body ached, feet hurt, lungs screamed and mind tempted him over and over to quit- but he just kept pushing through- one step at a time. persevere, your love's cheering you on even when you can not see him- he did not come for people who had it all together and didn't need him, but for the hurting, the struggling, those who carry the pains with them across that finish line. Strength, stamina and peace to you dear friend.