Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Making Sense of Suffering

How do you make sense of suffering? I don’t imply I know, or I have figured it out. This is simple questioning in longing for the Truth. A Truth that goes beyond opinions and easy 5 step cures, words I desire to comfort me further than journaling. I want the real stuff. I want the meat!. I don’t write to have every word perfect, or thought scrutinized and reviewed. I’m writing from my heart, after a walk with the Lord. He speaks with me when I walk. I don’t know why. Maybe it developed because one time He did and now when I go, it is almost in hopes He will show up and walk with me and Teach me. I’ve been thinking about my struggles and pain lately. What is the point of them? Yeah, I know why there is struggle and pain. I know that God is in the midst of it. I know sadness never recovers; it only forces you to go on in a way that you are not able to even hold onto even sorrow. That’s what happens the first time you smile after tragedy, you feel like even a traitor to your own pain. Time is tricky that way. I know there is beauty in pain. I know so many times when people say, “I could never live through that” they really could. You'd be surprised by what people can live through. Try the Holocaust for example. Do I owe God for happiness? What a danger this mindset would be, I must not fall into. Do I blame? I have already. If you haven’t read the book “Till We Have Faces”, read it! I have presented my judgment and trial to God after Natalie died. It took months to where like Orual, I laid my petition against God, tried to gather the facts, and with pain and distress I sought God face to face and in the midst of it, He looked upon me and that in itself was my answer. I know I cannot work myself up to not do or say something in order for things to go ok. I can’t beg enough (Oh, I tried this while Elora was being torn out of my heart), I can’t cry enough, no…tears do not change anything, they just make the eyes puffy. I can’t hate God, for it is not possible to hate what gives me life. No, I cannot forget what has happened in my life and why. I cannot sit here and remember all the bad and not the amazing things God has done from my childhood. Why must I go back to this choice as if I have never thought of it before? If it not for the terrible, I would have never witnessed God’s Love the way I have. I wish it came about another way. But, then again there is great unsatisfaction inside of me with this world and perhaps I would have never understood my contradictions as well as I do now. The only way to make sense of suffering is to know why suffering exists, know who and Whose you are, and run with great determination and not look back. If I look back I see the events of what has happened, I don’t see what God has taught me through them. I see what *atan has meant for destruction, not what God has spoken and where He was and how He has taken that and STILL works it for Love. I see what everyone else see’s in the world, selfishness and greed, and if I too dwell there, then “unfairness” will be my battle, not Truth. I stand on a wire, so thin, so small. If I look down then He will catch me. If I look ahead He will welcome me, and if I cannot go any further, He will walk out there to me and carry me Himself.

4 comments:

M said...

I love you Olivia! You are so honest and inspirational. Have you ever heard the song "Beauty from Pain"? It is by...Superchick. So beautiful. The first time I heard it I cried and cried...then shared it with my roommate who was struggling with depression.

Angela said...

these words: "I wish it came about another way" you wrote remind me of another man's words who in pain, suffering and desperation cried out to God with many tears and heartache saying: "if this cup could pass from me". He didn't get an answer either, not right then anyways, I guess his answer was after his death three days later, no it won't pass, there is no other way, but I will be on the other side of your pain and suffering to raise you up in newness of life.

Kristi said...

Till We Have Faces is in my top three favorite books of all times. "The earth and stars and sun, all that was or will be, existed for his sake. And he was coming. The most dreadful, the most beautiful, the only dread and beauty there is, was coming. The pillars on the far side of the pool flushed with his approach. I cast down my eyes." and "I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer."

Grandma Barb said...

Dear Olivia,

You have such an annointing to speak and write so many things we all need to hear. If you wrote a book I believe many would find comfort from your inspired words. my niece Jennifer has a similar gift and I wish you two could get together on line. Her blog is "musings by Jennifer @blogspot.com." Both of you young women are such an example of God's love and inspiration I cannot help but be lifted in my spirit. God bless you and Brian as you walk this walk together. You have both been thru such pain and still are yet your hope is in the Lord. Praise God. Love, Barbara xoxoxox