Wednesday, April 27, 2011

March 18, 2011

“Do You see me?!!!! DO YOU SEE ME????!!!” she cries to God.

Laying on the gurney, pain attacks relentlessly. Her red swollen face flames with burning torture. Sweat pours from her forehead down her cheeks, mixes with tears and unites in purpose of high alert. Her long hair floats tirelessly around clenched fists rich with salty perspiration. It sticks like plaster to her drenched neck as heat radiates into the cold sterile room.

The body burns with its agenda. It’s been programmed as of now and will stop of nothing less than the insistent orders. As for her, at one glance you may be struck numb with concerned disbelief. How could one so fragile find herself within this unfolding tragedy?

No one would have believed the scene before them. Impossible was the path for this miracles passing. Yet reality played on as it were Time itself, never stopping to pause for joy, sorrow, or any emotion worth sacrificing for. One can only contemplate the selfishness of Time and pity its objective.

She wailed louder, slipping in and out of consciences. Blurred eyes opened slightly for a mere glimpse of her husband’s worried face only to reluctantly close as pain heartlessly attacked before any exchange of comfort could be had. A sad dissonant violin played within these brief moments and she longed to hear beyond the contorting her heart was causing. But as distortion prevailed within her mind, the world around her no longer made sense as it should. In these moments she was alone.

The agony pulled her down, down, down, past the snarling Keepers of Hell’s gates. They drooled excessively over her confusion and when they knew she understood where she was, their excitement escalated. But no plea was found among her. She took the torture upon herself. Upon her heart for she knew why and loved him. Shivering. Cold. Unbearably hot. She’d make it out in time for a sip of water and then the fading sense crept back in without warning and she plummeted down once again.

He was lonely too as he saw his wife slip into a world he could only grasp through her flinching, cries, moans, and pleas. He was her protector as all, yet today he could not journey and conquer these Beasts…these lying, evil, wretched beings of Hell. Helplessly he watched her, prayed, and prayed harder that she would keep coming back. She left more often now and his heart threatened to panic. But when all seemed completely lost, she opened her eyes in search for one thing –and she always found it, he looked back at her and smiled, “You can do this,” he hurriedly said before it was often too late anyway for she was being pulled down again into darkness.

The cycle swirled around endlessly and without care of its victims. Thick war intensified. An all out battle raged with fierce daunting strength. Multitudes of shadow slithered and stole their way into every crevasse. There was a Light battling amongst the scene casting out these darkness’s into what was even darker still. A battle cry echoed, and shrieks responded. God continued within the heavens with great purpose and intent for revenge and justice upon the innocence. With deep pain and sorrow He gathered still and fought with vengeance for a life stolen from His appointed baby boy. His assembly continued waging war against the enemy in a manner of time unfathomable to those on earth.

Somewhere as the battle endured, the child Josiah was born. He wasn’t breathing, he didn’t move, he was with Jesus already. She screamed in horror, pain…and in grief so loudly one could feel it inside the soul. “Do You see me?! God, do You see me?!” She wondered where He was that He left them there that day. Would He, the God they served in this miracle abandon them? And they sat in silence with their dead son in their arms and waited.


BK said...


I am so proud of you for sharing this. I know it has been on your heart for weeks. Thank you for being so brave, and for being our son's Mommy. I love you.


Angela said...

I would love to offer you words as beautiful and deep as what you shared, but none can compare. Such a precious sharing, your story, your picture, your heart. May love wrap around you and may you be warmed by the knowledge of your son and Father's smiles from our eternal home.

Candace J Banks said...

oh, heart aches as tears stream down my face. as i've always said, i don't know how you feel--i get a pretty good idea through your words--but i am not you so i can't imagine your pain. i can still remember how i hurt--the gnawing ache, the questions & thoughts and sleepless nights. and i see how strong you & bryan were and are, how hard yall fought and continue to fight as a mighty couple for the LORD. i know how beautiful & perfect josiah is bc i saw him and held him with my own hands (thank you, thank you, thank you for the privilege of being there with you). you let CHRIST's light show by exposing the darkness for what it is. i am proud of you for not only writing this, but sharing it. it takes a lot of courage (which i know takes energy, something you feel is lacking)--but us believers have to fight--we can't let the darkness win! you will overcome by the blood of the LAMB & the word of your testimony! you are one of my best friends and i love you dearly and i will not stop warring with and for you! xoxoxox, candace

Joy said...

Olivia, I love you.

Anonymous said...

Olivia, I love you.

Anonymous said...

Olivia, I love you.

Katie said...

Oh Olivia! I have no idea what to write, but I just wanted to let you know that you, Bryan & beautiful Josiah continue to be in our prayers. You are an amazingly strong woman! I can't imagine what you must be feeling! Love you guys!!

Ami Alon said...

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day. Kids brought grandparents, survivors of the camps, to school to bear witness. They told us how they lost their families and I wondered how they found the strength to hold on to life. But then I saw how the kids, two generations removed from the pain looked at them like heros. Did they know then that this day would come?

Someday, maybe a generation or more from today, but someday you will tell someone you love how you lost child after precious child and found the strength to survive, and they will look at you and Bryan like heros.

Thank you for bearing witness.


Karen said...

Olivia and Bryan,
I say as Ami Alon...You are HEROS!! Please know that I am praying for you!
I have never met you face to face but I feel as though you are my childen..I couldn't love you any more!
You both have been such a blessing to me over the years. Thank you!!!
Blessings to you both!