God is teaching me things. Things I don't necessarily want to know. Things I thought I already knew. And then some wonderfully deep things, that words will never do justice.
Sometimes I wish life was so much easier I wish I could look back and see justice, victory, and triumph...but God is teaching me that I can't look BACK to see these things...I have to look AHEAD for them even if that means the only time I will see these things in is heaven.
I've thought so much through these last 3 months of how I thought I already paid my dues with pain. I blamed God, listened to lies, and even contemplated perhaps life was happier in hate rather than in love. At least when you hate you can't get hurt, you don't feel bad when things go wrong. I always laugh at myself because I find the reality of hating, even being angry at God, impossible to hold up for too long. It is more exhausting to be mad at God for me, than to try and figure out how God can be Love and let horrible things happen.
I am inching along. I look back often. I feel like I am going no where, but I know what I know. I know God was there with us. I know He cared deeply not just about Josiah, but also for Bryan and I. I know He cried. And thanks to encouraging words just the other day, I know He stood behind Bryan as he spoke at his funeral giving him the words and strength.
The reality is that we have an enemy that wants to DESTROY our hearts and most of all our HOPE. I have to keep reminding myself of God's Truth. Even if right now it is just that Jesus Loves me.