Monday, June 13, 2011

Jesus Loves me

God is teaching me things. Things I don't necessarily want to know. Things I thought I already knew. And then some wonderfully deep things, that words will never do justice.

Sometimes I wish life was so much easier I wish I could look back and see justice, victory, and triumph...but God is teaching me that I can't look BACK to see these things...I have to look AHEAD for them even if that means the only time I will see these things in is heaven.

I've thought so much through these last 3 months of how I thought I already paid my dues with pain. I blamed God, listened to lies, and even contemplated perhaps life was happier in hate rather than in love. At least when you hate you can't get hurt, you don't feel bad when things go wrong. I always laugh at myself because I find the reality of hating, even being angry at God, impossible to hold up for too long. It is more exhausting to be mad at God for me, than to try and figure out how God can be Love and let horrible things happen.

I am inching along. I look back often. I feel like I am going no where, but I know what I know. I know God was there with us. I know He cared deeply not just about Josiah, but also for Bryan and I. I know He cried. And thanks to encouraging words just the other day, I know He stood behind Bryan as he spoke at his funeral giving him the words and strength.

The reality is that we have an enemy that wants to DESTROY our hearts and most of all our HOPE. I have to keep reminding myself of God's Truth. Even if right now it is just that Jesus Loves me.


BK said...

Yes. He does.

Kristi said...

Praying for you.

Della said...

I'm sure the last few months have a been tough for you, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even fathom what you have been going through. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. You must be a strong woman Olivia, because a weak person would have given up all hope. Always know that you do have a purpose in life. We may not know what it is, but He does. Take care sweetie, and know I'm thinking about you.

Claire said...

Hey, I'm Mandy's sister. I've been reading your blog for a while now. Just wanted to let you know, this post made me cry. Beautiful, praying. <3

Anonymous said...

My dear, this is good. Looking forward is always best. God has so much blessing to give much love. Sometimes, I wonder how much are we all missing out on just because in our minds God was too small or too busy or we were too small in His eyes to receive. Yet, He loves us with an amazing love!

Angela said...

love to you from us to and so many others. Was thinking of you this week and I just painted purple butterflies on my girl's faces at their request. Butterflies always remind me of my nephew gone before us, of that other side where all things are made beautiful. You are precious and beautiful too, even more so because of all the pain you have suffered and yet coming up from it and breathing forth love, hope and beauty despite/through the past.

Karen said...

Olivia and Bryan,
Once again you have been an inspiration to me. My heart cries for you!!! May G-d Bless and keep you both in perfect peace!