Friday, September 30, 2011
I am empty now
no pages written
You promised to write my story
and so I wait for Your hand
I know what I would like to write
how I'd want my life to go
but only You know my ending
only You can make it all work out right
so I surrender to the Great Author
come guide me with Your hand
remind me with what's written
that indeed You have a plan.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Lord are You still counting my pain?
My memories are causing a flood to overcome
all that I've been hoping in vain
You Promised and heard
Have sent me Your Word
Now Lord please show me You're there
Come count them again
Like the hairs on my head
Grow Beauty to replace it instead
© 2011 Inspired by Grace
shall reap in joy.
He who cotinually goes forth weaping,
bearing seed for the sowing,
shall doubtless come again with rejoicing,
bringing his sheaves with him."
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
PLEASE BE AWARE THIS BLOG CONTAINS A TOPIC OF HIGHLY MATURE MATTERS IN THE LORD. PLEASE USE CAUTION AND PRAYER AS YOU LISTEN TO THE VIDEO BELOW. I ADVISE TO PRAY FOR GOD TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND PLACE PROTECTION AROUND YOUR HEART AND MIND AS YOU WATCH. I DO NOT ADVISE YOUNG CHILDREN TO SEE. THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO OF A LONG SERIES THAT YOU CAN FIND ON YOUTUBE.COM. THE SERIES IS CALLED THE SATANIC CULT BEHIND THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. MAY GOD GUIDE AND BLESS YOU AS YOU CHOSE WHAT YOU ALLOW INTO YOUR MINDS AND HEARTS.
Friday, September 16, 2011
So what is Shampa's unique secret weapon besides the Bible and Loving you may ask? It is hugging! People line up for hours just to get a hug from her. It may sound so silly, but God has given her a gift of being His arms around the hurting, lost, and broken, and the neat thing is that it is real. You can feel God's Love when you hug her. She is the ONLY and I mean O-N-L-Y person besides me that I would let hug my husband for that long without busting out my karate chop moves.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
imprinted upon my soul
like a stamp, brand, tattoo
So many months dreaming
of your arrival
it's where you were supposed to be
but you never came home
Can you pray enough?
Beg, plead or barter?
No one could bare it for me
I was alone
but you were there
2 hearts beating
mine and yours
but again, you never came home
It was a dream
no, a nightmare
one you want to wake up from, but can't
I wanted to save you
I was running but could never reach you in time
I wanted to grab you close to me, bring you home
but you never did come home
Shock, grief, anger
black, burial, tombstone
you left me alone
I miss you, I love you
Death robbed me of joy
But where, sweet child did you go?
You whispered and told me
"Mommy I went home."
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thursday, September 08, 2011
"After Nathan had gone home, the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
On the seventh day the child died. David’s servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”
David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”
Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
His servants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
I must keep going and honor God with my life. I don't want to live angry or mad, although there are moments when I am, which you wouldn't want to witness. But in those times I allow myself to be upset and I even tell God. There is a mass confusion that happens in traumatic sorrow. It feels like panic. It will desire to swallow you and if you don't get ahold of of it, you will drown. Because I walked through an INTENSE degree of this when we lost Natalie Grace, I didn't want to loose myself again in that blackness. So my prayer and focus lately has been to truly seek the Lord and take Him at His Word. If He says He is there for me...then He is there. If He says we should not mourn as without any Hope...then I will not mourn without Hope. If He says the greatest commandment is Love and to Love others...than I will Love others. I am searching for Truths in His Word. Not just the coffee cup Truths, but the gems and treasures that takes a searcher to discover. One INCREDIBLE verse I found that brings a smile to my face every time is Ecclesiastes 3:14:
"I KNOW THAT WHATEVER GOD DOES, IT SHALL BE FOREVER."
If you know someone who has experienced the loss of an unborn baby, share this verse with them. It will affirm that God has VICTORY and that tiny life IS FOREVER!
Beyond my heart, I am feeling THE BEST I have ever felt in a long time. I was very sick after we had Josiah. They pumped up my prednisone and I swelled so violently fast that I felt like I was being crushed. I had numerous visits to the ER where I felt like I couldn't breathe. What people who don't know about the evil-blessing of prednisone is that when you gain weight from this drug, you literally have to lose it as though you were sitting on the couch for 5 months eating brownie sundaes for every meal. This was the worst part. It took months and a lot of hard work to get my body healthy again. But in the midst of it I gained so much strength back that it passed my former abilities. I am now running about 6 miles a week, walking every morning with Gracey, sleeping (PRAISE JESUS), eating better, and able to sustain the day without getting as tired. If I could somehow show you what this looked like before and now!!! At one point I was so worried about my weight. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. My concentration was on loosing the weight. It frustrated me and caused a lot of insecurity. But one day I felt like the Lord told me to "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." This verse is used for so many illustrations but God told me that my goal should not be to look good or loose weight. It should be about seeking Him during my walks and exercise. So I began to get up and resume my prayer walks. And when I started being encouraged by seeking Him, I became more active and slowly it transformed my heart and my body. Again, I don't know if I can relay how huge and deep this was.
Gracey and I are still involved with the PETS team. One recent visit brought tears to my eyes. We walked up to the Pediatric unit and approached the hallway to the patient rooms. As we made our way down the hall Gracey was practically pulling me into a room. She has never done anything like this before. Finally we were allowed to enter the room and a boy was laying on the bed. He had had an emergency operation the day before and was told by his doctors he needed to try and walk, but he refused because the pain. Gracey got on his bed and snuggled by his side instantly. It was as if they were long lost friends. After a little while we asked him if he wouldn't mind helping take Gracey down the hallway because she needed a walk. To not let Gracey down, he consented. Gracey even got him to swallow a pill!!! With much pain and bravery, he made his way off the bed and grabbed Gracey's leash. They slowly rounded the nurses station as Gracey walked slowly 2 steps ahead of him and then would look back to make sure he was ok. It went on like this the entire way and back. Gracey was very concerned and her alertness to his emotions was AMAZING to see. He reached his bed with agitated pain, but Gracey snuggled right back there with him and they talked. I left that day and cried with happiness that I was able to see something like that unfold. It was an honor.
Gracey is good. She turned 7! (see previous post). She has had no problems with liver. She is on some great food that continues to help.
Bryan began his doctorate studies! He is attending Golden Gate Seminary in Mill Valley, CA. I am so proud of him. It will be a long road but the goal is worth it. I believe his call is to teach at a collegiate level and in order to do this he has to have a doctorate degree. We were praying about moving to CA and are still waiting for the Lord to create a way if it is His will. We have visited several times and feel if the Lord calls us there, He needs to completely assure us and create a way for this to happen. His classes are only a few days a month so for now he will be commuting. We are praying for endurance and focus for this season for him. He knows that knowledge is only a tool and wants to use it to glorify God.
Phase 2 is coming long wonderfully. I would say that within the month it should be done. These photos are a before and after of the outside. Together we got up the other day at 6:30am and worked to finish the siding until 2pm. I am so amazed at how different it looks. Bryan is the BEST builder I know. I can't even believe he has done all this. If you notice to the back there is a space in the old photo. Bryan literally BUILT on a closet for the inside and a replacement tool shed. It is so neat.
We are contracted with a wonderful adoption agency. We were actually contracted with them before we knew God would bless us with Josiah. We took a brief break during that time, but now we are excited to continue this journey. We were actually blessed to visit the campus when we were in CA last month. It was INCREDIBLE. I felt so affirmed and happy to finally get to meet all the people who have been walking close to us during this process. When our adoption failed several years ago, we began to watch Lifetime Adoptions agency. We closely talked with them, checked their site, and even emailed over 20 couples who have used them. We prayed and felt like this was the agency for us. They are a ministry for the Lord whose goal really really is to help Birth Moms and families in adoption. So we have been waiting over a year and are pleased to be moving forward with this journey. I have not worried about it, felt anxiety over the timing, or been frustrated with the process. I feel like I am ready for this, but again, I know the Lord is working and it is not by my will but His. Please continue to pray for us for our child(ren). I know we are meant to be parents and THERE WILL BE A DAY WHERE WE WILL REJOICE.
This has turned out to be a novel!!! God I give you glory for the victories unseen, for the Truth that goes beyond my emotions, and for Your Love. Guide my life. Let my Joy be found IN You.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
You have offered a hug and lick at my most hardest moments
You have been a shadow, ran ahead to encourage me on, and walked beside me as my friend
Your tail has spoken volumes of joy and happiness (Oh to be able to translate it's wags!)
You're always there to share a meal, warm my lap and bark at any intruder
You're ready to go as soon as I wake
and ready to sleep snuggled by my side
I can't imagine my life without you Gracey
and so today I celebrate the gift that you are because
You have shown me a piece of heaven on this earth
Monday, September 05, 2011
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Thursday, September 01, 2011
You've taken my heart
Walked with patience by my side
Believing in my best
and forgiving my failures
2nd Year Anniversary
All our Hopes now intertwined
without the same we are neither
Together, none apart
Forever and Loved
3rd Year Anniversary:
Past and Future stands still for one day
It's more than we could know
yet so close to God's heart
Its a jewel, a treasure
I've never known before in my life
I've been Blessed, chosen and given a gift
You are a piece of God's Love in this world
I love you Bryan, Forever.