Saturday, August 04, 2012

The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing beyond a shadow of a doubt is protecting Micah from the spiritual realm in the NICU.  More and more I find myself in tears as I leave her there knowing that I have no control over who says what near her, what goes on around her, what music plays nearby, how nurses, doctors, and other hospital workers treat her...do they acknowledge her...or is she just "the baby over there"?.  Can a nurse really understand my struggle when I see my child crying and can't do anything to help because of the wires, gadgets, feeding tube, alarms, and worrying if I am stepping on their toes?  Can the doctor truly sympathize and say "I know this is hard?"  Can they actually expect me to come visit my daughter for several hours a day and that be enough?  Could it?  My question when I am confronted with someone thinking I am there too much is...what else in the world would I want to be doing?  My child at this age would never have to be apart from me for one moment.  I am not one of the NICU parents that simply visit for a couple hours and then somehow feel like I am done for the day.  I want to learn Micah at every moment I can.  The fact that they sometimes are surprised at how much we are up there or call to check on her is beyond me!  I just don't get it.  Micah is my heart, my joy, and a delight.  I know I have to rest.  I have learned that years ago when I struggled with my disease.  If I don't rest, then I get sick.  But this season, Micah in the NICU and me being there with her, is not me pressing myself in anxiety or worry...my being up there is because she is my daughter and that is where I belong.  I am taking great care of myself and feel like the Lord is giving me the right guidance to do so.  When I am tired, I rest.  But for people to assume that my presence in the NICU is from panic, and not love, is so strange.  In fact we are in a room there in the NICU where several babies NEVER EVER EVER are visited by ANYONE!!!!!  It hurts my heart!  So this is my present struggle today.  I pray for a spiritual hedge of protection over her all the time.  I pray the worship music we play is what she hears.  I pray that when I call the Lord somehow strengthens her spirit.  I pray that we get nurses who Believe in Jesus.  I pray that Micah gets well soon and can come home.  I pray that nothing that is not of Jesus will impact her right now.  I pray, I pray, I pray....

2 comments:

jscloud said...

NEVER feel like you are ever there to much! You are right where God wants you to be and where any loving, caring, protective, and involved parent would be and want to be. I also find it very strange that a parent would not want to be with their child any chance they could. We continue to pray for Micah, You and Bryan as well as all the medical personal caring for Micah. I wish there was more we could do for you guys and if there is ever anything you guys need, please don't ever hesitate to ask! We love all 3, 4 including Gracey, of you!!!!!!!

Karen said...

I pray too!!