Thursday, October 25, 2012

Today

I don't even know where to begin anymore!  I am so overwhelmed with joy, but also dealing with the affects of everything that happened. How can it be that I feel so happy and so down at the same time?  It truly is a mystery.  Life in the NICU for over 4 months was very hard...and when I say VERY hard....I MEAN VERY HARD.  I want to take time to reflect and heal from that, but the exhaustion and demands of Micah right now leave me rarely any time for anything...and when there is time, I am so tired that sleep takes precedence. Life didn't automatically return to normal when we left with Micah.  There is a lot of healing to do.  I must again find my new normal.  I must draw upon my past and the Faithfulness of Who God has been to help strengthen me, form me, and reassure me.  And this wont happen over night.

Micah is doing pretty well.  She is gaining weight (was 7 lbs 10 oz last week)!  She is completely out of preemie clothes now.  She is still on oxygen on .1 and has times where we can take the oxygen off.  We are hoping to wean her more aggressively soon.  I had hoped the doctors would be more involved in this process but we have not seen him yet and will not until Nov 5.  She did have an eye appointment in Ft. Worth a couple weeks ago and the eye doctor was very pleased.  He even said that Micah may not need glasses which is a HUGE deal for a micro-preemie!!!!  She is having trouble nursing, which is breaking my heart.  In the NICU she HAS to take a bottle and she seems to be making the choice more and more that this is how she wants to eat.  I have tried VERY hard and VERY patiently for weeks now to breast feed more, but it just doesn't seem to be working.  She kicks, screams, and throws a tantrum that would put any two-year-olds to shame.  It kind of hurts my heart and feels a little like rejection, but I know that there is so much more at play here...the introduction of the bottle in the NICU and a bottle is easier on the lungs.  I don't know how other Mom's deal with issues like this?  I hate that I may be expecting too much from her.  She was so little!  It is such a weird place to be in. 

She eats every 3 hours still and I am waiting and wondering if she will ever sleep through the night and how to go about that with a micro-preemie.  She is a loud sleeper!  LOL!!!  She really loves bath time.  I have taken baths with her and just dangle her in the water and she loves it so much!  She is starting to smile as a reaction to voices.  I have only seen it happen 2 times, but I am sure we are in store for some more!  There are times when Micah is super fussy though and she will cry and scream for what seems like forever.  A lot of it is gas and indigestion.  We have tried the gas drops, gripe water and are on a reflux medicine to see if that helps now.  Those times are especially hard when I am tired. 

I am having to find creative ways to get around with Micah's oxygen machine.  I keep telling everyone I have twins....Micah and her oxygen machine.  I wonder if there will ever be a day where I can just pick her up and walk any where I want with her?!  What a blessed day that will come...come soon!!!

We have been so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who have brought us food.  We have been home to 3 weeks now and have not had to worry about dinner one time!!  It has been super hard to not be able to be around other people though.  I am sure a lot of women go through a stage where they are overwhelmed with the demands of a new baby, yet probably being around other Moms help...but we are unable to do this, which makes things a little lonely for me sometimes. 

Please keep Micah in your prayers.  Pray for her lungs to heal completely and that she will be off all oxygen support soon.  Pray for her eyes.  Pray for Bryan and I as we heal from this season and embrace the Joy of this next one WITH OUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PS.  I am going to be going back through our experience in the NICU and posting tons of photos.  They will be posted as they were taken that day, so check the archives to see our journey!

1 comment:

Angela said...

Having a newborn is overwhelming and so very demanding- so I can imagine that adding to that the oxygen tank and strengthening of aspects of her being really adds to the stress and work involved. May she continue to heal and grow strong and you and Bryan too- peace to you all and grace for each and every day (and night). I remember reading once that a mother at night up with her non-sleeping baby thought of all the other mothers up that same night and time with their sleepless baby and felt a solidarity from that. May you remember the cloud of witnesses cheering you on, from all over the world and from heaven above- love you guys!