"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Cor. 13:12
When you go through traumatic situations, you almost have to shut down the world and focus on what is happening in order to survive. And when that situation goes on for many days and many months, you find ways to cope with this and it becomes your "normal." But as I am entering into a new season, and stretching cautiously beyond the trauma, I am realizing I am a little stuck in this mentality. It is hard to reach past the focus I had to have to survive. It almost feels awkward or even scary to step out of it and actually get back into the world, and more than that, start finding "me" again in this. Not only must I find me in this after the trauma, but also the definition of who I am as a completely different person...as a Mom. And me being a Mom has been a very dramatic change. I have waited so long for this beautiful promise to come about that at times when it has been hard, I felt so guilty for being unthankful and frustrated. Trauma also followed us home in different ways. Ahava has major eating difficulties which broke my heart and turned my fear even into anger. People who are mourning, suffering and going through intense situations and living in it day by day by day have to reach within themselves and even be selfish. It is a normal and understandable coping mechanism. But eventually as we heal and seek the Lord, He gently guides our hands out of the caves and shows us who we are once again. This is where I am right now. I am pleading my God to remind me who I am and to strengthen my heart and mind. I need Him to tell me who I am because I do not want to listen to the enemy. The enemy is always right there to help tell you who you are. He is a deceiver and a liar and sometimes it is easy to believe. But when we study and read and ask for Truth to reign in our hearts we can begin to listen and live that instead. But for me it has been a battle in itself. I have to remember that life is super hard right now. Many people do not understand the intensity and the amount of time that it takes to raise a preemie. Although I would never in a million years ask for anything else, it has shocked me beyond belief!!! And I have failed in my fear in ways that I never thought I could. I never expected Ahava to have such bad eating problems that take MUCH effort and a lot of patients. I cannot sit while I feed her, so every 3 hrs I am walking aimlessly around our tiny tiny house, boopin' her and praying she eats and keeps down what she eats. It takes a while and she battles that sometimes, and then after she is in jeopardy of throwing it all up (thanks to her feeding tube messing with her flap that causes reflux and heightened gag reflex). So you take me pumping, trying to catch Ahava as she wakes up from a nap (which this child just doesn't nap!!!! She only sleeps for 45 min 2x a day maybe!!! But if I catch her when she is still a little sleepy, she will eat better in the quietness....you learn these techniques!!!!!) then I battle the feeding part, burp her a lot (trying to stay calm the whole time, but truly worried it's all going to make a reappearance) and then hold her a little bit (all while walking around!!!!!!!!!!!), and then I must take my faith to action and risk putting her in her slanted rocker (good incline for reflux). So by that time it is time to do it all over again...and that's if she did not throw up and needed to be changed or sponge bathed. It was so hard. And when she refused to eat all together, I'd get so afraid. It again goes back to the NICU and how they really really get the kids as plump as possible. So basically they over feed them with good intention. They said if they don't eat, they don't grow, the brain won't and all that that I previously posted on before. So the anxiety was present and needs to be battled as well. I just needed the reminder in God's word that we only see a little and not the all. He was meaning spiritual truths and beauty, but I also could see it true for me right now in that I must remember that everyday is just what a person may see through a magnifying glass....but there is a bigger picture. I cannot be so inwardly focused anymore like I was and HAD to be to survive this past summer. I must remember that God is bigger and He is working all around me and things won't always be like this. I need a different perspective. I need the Lord to remind me. God keep guiding my spirit out of it's centeredness. I am ready to heal and ready to surrender that You have a great plan even when I don't see it. I am ready to believe and enjoy the moments now without fear...because there WILL BE a year from now! And You will be glorified in it all!
In other news: Ahava has been off oxygen since the 31st and has had no issues with it at all. It is a different world without those machines around. I told someone the other day that it feels like I have one baby now instead of two...although I would do it all over again...but I tell you the truth...that oxygen machine had it out to try and kill me!!! I don't know how many close calls I had with that thing. We are rejoicing in every moment we have with Ahava. She is becoming so aware and alert. We head back to Ft. Worth this week to see her lung doctor and are so excited to show him we are off the O2's!!!!!!!!!!! Pray for safe travel and for Ahava to EAT WELL in Jesus Name! Also please be praying for Ahava's cousin Jace, who is going through the same journey she did and is in the NICU growing and stregthening in the Lord. Pray for his Mom and Dad and his brother. What an amazing thing it is to see the Lord do such a miracle in our family 2 times!