Monday, March 18, 2013

Happy 2nd Angel Day Josiah Keith

I feel very sad right now.  I am stuck in between the greatest Joy and Miracle I have ever seen (Ahava)  and then remembering two years ago...our Josiah....my Josiah....my son.  It almost doesn't make sense in my mind really.  I have longed for the Promise God made my heart and I am walking, breathing and rejoicing in it everyday.  Yet there is a deep sadness whose clouds have settled over my sunshine and I am torn between what the two symbolize and what to walk in today. 

If you know the sadness I speak of and have lived through the Angel Day of your precious baby, you may spend it similarly...I light a candle that burns all day long, dress in black (although I am not sure I am today), go out to the grave and bring a flower or do something special to remember them by (I may play my guitar today), go through photos of them, sit and remember how everything happened minute by minute until you get to the point where you held them and had to let them go, be buried, and say good-bye forever.  I may look at sonogram photos and try hard to remember how happy we were and what we wanted for Josiah.  It is a painful, yet, a releasing process.  I see an image of a hand closed shut in sadness and mourning and then as these things happen throughout the day, they slowly open up and let go of the hurt that has been inside and Jesus is there holding onto my hands and taking the pain away.  And every Angel Day I must allow Him to do this.

"I know that whatever God does,
it shall be FOREVER."  Ecc.3:14
I guess what I wish could happen on these days, would be that I could glimpse reality.  That heaven could be so real on these Angel Days that the thought of how Josiah is in heaven would literally make me leap for Joy and excitement.  I know that death is not the end. I know that most of the sadness that comes from death is because we must live without that person and it hurts deep inside us to think we must live without the memories and love created from them.  They somehow just abruptly stop and cut off like a movie real that was just getting to the good parts and then just blank black and white speckles take over what should be so much more.  I want to see Heaven and somehow make it the Truth.  I wish I could walk where Josiah is and see what he sees.  Heaven is so much more than what we must live with here in earth.  I want perspective, and I want assurance that my pain will be redeemed.  I have Faith in the Word and in the Promise of my Savior...that we will be with Him in heaven, and so I wait.

So, today I am going to get quiet.  I am going to remember Josiah and hug my Ahava.  I am going to cry uncontrollable tears (and I have already started that) and hope that he will be remembered well

Josiah,

You are a big brother!  Your sister, Ahava, looks like you!  You can tell you are family.  I think about you so often.  I think about your brothers and sisters and you all running around and playing here on earth...all together!  It gives me so much joy.  Since your sister was born, I have seen little holes everywhere.  Holes when I should be seeing you, Jireh and Malachi running around and jumping mud puddles and trying not to get Natalie, Rachel and Ahava all muddy.  I would have loved a huge family and I would have been so proud of all of you.  You would have been so strong, Josiah.  You really already were.  I loved your name from the beginning and it means "God Heals."  God has done great healing, Josiah!!!!!  He has.  If only the world knew how real you are more than what we see that is real here in earth!  You are a prince of the Most High God.  I am so thankful for you.  I miss you so much and long for you.  You are my precious son.  My precious son......my precious.....son......my son.......

Love,
Mama

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