Saturday, March 09, 2013

My Heart

Almost 13 lbs now! Sit's unassisted briefly, babbling, raises arms to
be picked up, almost 10 months (on 21st, 6 months adjusted),
eating is getting better!!!!!
So many know that feeling of seeing your baby for the fist time...how exciting and new it was...how it seemed the world had stopped for you,...that nothing else on the planet mattered as much as that moment of time.  It is overwhelming and of all the times in ones life, it is the one parents remember above so many other events.  I confess though...I can't get rid of this feeling!  Every time I see Ahava I feel this way.  I am in shock and awe that I have a child who is ALIVE.  I have always wondered what it would feel like to have a baby that would live.  This thought is so hard for some people to comprehend.  And for those who do understand it, it is that deep hole that we must walk around with for the rest of our lives wondering and imagining what the child would look like today at such and such an age that we had to bury and say earthly good-byes too.  A parent should never have to bury a child.  It is as simple as that, but it happens more than we would like to admit.  It is the things that don't make sense that drive us mad sometimes.  The things that we throw back and forth in our heads battling and warring until only tears can quiet the mess inside.  After I buried Natalie, I became very angry.  I didn't exactly hate God per say.  I just was mad and furious and angry.  I felt so alone, so forgotten and so embarrassed because I thought God would heal me and heal Natalie and it did not happen.  But in my anger, God pursued my heart, gently and quietly, like a Father guiding His child into His Loving arms.  It was then I decided that I did not have to know the answer of "why" this happened to me or to Natalie.  I had to decide IN FAITH (not a coffee cup word or a "let's have Faith to make our house payment")...but a deeper faith that says, "Ok, God, I do not understand, but I Trust You and I Love You and I am going to lay this pain and sorrow down at Your feet and Trust that You will redeem this and that even if I only find out in heaven the glory of my pain, I know You are real and I am living my life for YOU for the ONE TRUE GOD.  So I don't have to know why."

Sometimes at the moment of truly choosing Faith over the lies of the enemy, I feel an overwhelming urgency on my heart as if I am breaking through the darkness and a Light is shining and leading my way.  Faith is a weapon, a true weapon of God and it has carried me through this journey of God's Promise for our baby Ahava.

Ahava's NICU friend got to go home yesterday!  Praise GOD!!!
Next week we will be celebrating Josiah's 2nd Angel Birthday.  When Ahava was born I wondered how my heart would fair with the losses we have endured before with Natalie Grace, Malachi Bryan, Rachel Elizabeth, Jireh Tamas and Josiah Keith.  We were able to hold and see Natalie and Josiah's sweet little bodies.  There has been moments of deep release and sadness as I have seen Ahava and I have seen her brother Josiah in her.  They look just like brother and sister to me.  He would be 2 years old and I could see them just loving on each other like siblings.  It pains my heart to imagine this.  And I know the Promise is beautiful and I must not allow pain to steal this joy, but there is a healthy mourning process as I let go of these sadness and ask God to begin turning them into a greater Joy.  Bryan and I also lost an adoption several years ago.  We were driving home with the sweet baby girl that we had helped deliver, cut the chord, and whose birth parents allowed us into their lives for several months having dinner and gathering clothes and stuff for our baby.  The devastation of this failed adoption still haunts me, but it was another instance where I had to use my Faith to crawl onto Jesus' lap and say "make this into something beautiful please Jesus."  I didn't want all these horrible things to make me an angry person.  I still believed God Promised us a baby.  My doctors were very unsupportive.  "Look at what has been happening...do you want to be sick again?  Do you want your kidneys to fail again?  I don't think this is wise."  But I knew God had Promised me and I Believed Him, and so with all the fear I had about pregnancy, I was more excited to listen to my Powerful God then to miss out on something.  Even when we were pregnant and began bleeding and lost the baby after having to do 2 DNC's (YES 2!!! because they did not clear everything the first time), then we had a heart beat!, and then I bleed and she was gone.  Then another miscarry. And then our pregnancy with Josiah.  I LIVED in faith everyday with him and I chased fear out of my heart.  It would poke its head out everyday.  I would read, worship, pray, and talk with friends to help me.  But mostly I would just be still and know that He is God.  I did not feel Josiah one day.  He was not a big mover, so I was not worried.  I didn't want to live in fear.  So by the next day I still did not feel him and then I called to go in (another sono wouldn't be that bad right?  We would just check it out and see our munchkin and go home), but no.  I saw "the look ."  The same look I saw on faces years before when Natalie had no heart beat.  All the blood rushed out of my head.  I felt like I failed somehow.  I could this be happening to me AGAIN????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ahava helping Papa with the DREADED Taxes
We had an amazing doctor who truly loves the Lord and he helped me deliver Josiah with respect, love and sorrow.  I had never seen a man of the Lord giving his all to Jesus in such a raw and real circumstance.  He is a hero to me.  But I was there again, holding my son Josiah...not breathing....not moving.....oh God!!!!!!!!!!!  Do You see me???????????????  (I wrote a blog about this point in the delivery: click here to read it)

When there is Victory, there is also a pouting party that lost.  That thing is the father of lies and only pursues death, destruction, and lies.  Expect retaliation, yet cover yourself in prayer and in His Love you will be more than safe.  So I will live completely in awe and Joy with AHAVA OUR VICTORY in the LORD.  I will ask that God would show me how to be a good Mom and Wife and how we can give Him glory for what He has done for us and Ahava!

The thankfulness I feel for God's gift of Ahava flat out stops my breath sometimes.  I am not used to seeing MY child....the child that.... LOOKS LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The child that LIVED being born at 23 wks and 5 days at 1.2lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  God You are Amazing and I Praise Your Holy Name!  I am not worthy of You gifts, but I am humbled at Your treasures.  You have heard my heart and have answered my cries and You have kept Your Promise to me.  I exalt You Jesus above the heavens.  I Praise Your Holy Holy Name!!!!!!

2 comments:

Angela said...

Thank you for sharing your journey and yes, praise be to God for your miracle child! I am so sorry you had to go through all the heartache and still carry those losses, but am so so thankful that you get to watch Ahava grow day by day! And I'm cheering you on for your enduring and maintaining that love and relationship with Jesus no matter what!

Terri Picone said...

Olivia, your faith amazes me. All you went through to become a mommy reinforces that. Mostly, I love how you cling to God because, as we know, there is none besides him. He comforts, heals, and redeems what is lost. And one day, you and your husband will meet all your babies in Heaven. What a reunion!