I am guilty. My heart is needing to release it. It all happened so sneakily within my tiredness and exhaustion. Ahava has been sick for months now. I tried to write a blog about weeks ago, but never found the time to finish my thoughts. She came down with Whooping Cough. If you don't know what it is, it is a terrible illness that can last for months and months. It causes damage to your airways and strips the bronchial tubes of the needed cillia that line and protect the body and airways. The cough is all and more that doctors make it out to be. It is terrifying and crippling. It is only by the grace of God that we didn't end up hospitalized or on a ventilator. As we are still in the midst of the healing process I am even having trouble "living" it and explaining. It has caused months of sleepless nights, coughing where she can't stop, vomiting and many ER and doctor visits, breathing treatments, antibiotics and other medicines and many tears and prayers from us and many many brothers and sisters in the Lord. We are beyond exhausted and rely solely on Jesus to get us through the day. For about 6 weeks Bryan or I would sleep on her floor in her room. Night time and nap is the worst and she would wake and cough uncontrollably to where we honestly thought she may pass out. We had an amazing doctor at Lucile Packard children's hospital who would call daily or even several times a day to see how she was doing. We prepared and had a plan of action in place if she were to be flown to their facility which is 6 hours from where we are. There is so much more to say regarding this, but it isn't what my heart is needing to express. We were told to be careful as any secondary illness could cause all the bad symptoms to come back. But the worst has happened and Ahava came down with the highest fever I have yet seen. We spent an entire day trying to get it under control. Tylenol, Mortrin and even cool baths and no clothes barely touched it. We hunkered down and prayed and it finally let up the next day; meaning that we were able to control it by medicine. Then it went away as quickly as it began. They suspected an UTI (fun times getting a urine sample from a two and a half year old!!!) but her culture came back negative. They said it was viral. Two days later her cough came back with a vengeance. Then yesterday after church she had trouble breathing. Another trip to the ER. The doctor there seemed very rushed and I felt a warning on her diagnoses of bronchitis. We did the nebulizer treatment and steroids and got her prescriptions for antibiotics and steroids and went home. But I felt like we were not supposed to do the antibiotics. I held off and called her doctor this morning and we went in for a second opinion. He was so very glad we did not start the antibiotics. He did not agree with the diagnosis either and said that it is reactive airway because of the virus she had as well as her chronic lung disease of prematuriry. He could hear the wheezing. So we are doing the steroids and the nebulizer. It is has been a long long long hard road. A road we have unwillingly been on since the end of November. I mean long road. Trying road. Bumpy road. Roller coaster road. A road that I really just didn't feel like traveling on and was forced too. It has been very hard on my body.
So this is the background to my heart tonight. This is the foundation of my need to ask God for forgiveness. I realized tonight as I was putting Ahava to bed that I had somehow gotten into a mindset (whether from pure and utter exhaustion or the constant "being on" as she struggles) that I began praying and praising to get a certain outcome. That somehow God owes me her getting better. Does that make sense? I never withheld my adoration, but I realized I was guilty of expecting Him to do it my way instead of His. My praise and prayers need to revert back to the fact that I do it just because I love Him. It is not because I want this to be over or for me to get what I want but simply because I am in love with my Savior. It is so very easy when you are going through a daily battle and just feel like all you do is endure. It can seem so pointless and frustrating when you are in the misdst of it and giving your all and nothing seems to change. Or things even get worse. I can't forget what He has taught me in my suffering, that we can't praise Him to get our way. We can't praise Him and just think He is a genie in a bottle and just give us what we want. He gives us what we need and it is good. And when you praise and feel that Goodness touch you!!! Wow!!! It did tonight. And it gave me strength.
So God I am so sorry. I love you and praise You because You are You and You are Holy. Please keep my eyes and heart on you and not on the problems I face daily. I never want to become someone who is resentful. Help my mind stay focused on Your unfailing Love. How refreshing that it isn't up to me to praise You to get what I want. My heart searching for You because You are God is enough to make the difference I need to get through this. It pleases You just that I come to talk and listen. Do not let the troubles of this world distract me from our relationship.
So here I am, trusting that this is bringing Him Glory. I will stand and will not be shaken.