Gabriel Calvary Brigham
November 20, 2015
Getting pregnant again wasn't even on our radar. I sold my maternity clothes, closed that chapter in my heart and appreciated what I had been given. But at the beginning of September, we got the biggest surprise and learned that we were pregnant. At first I panicked. I was overcome by the fear of all we had been through and my heart and mind were being pulled in many directions at once. But after 45 minutes of this, I called my sweet friend and we began seeing the situation through the Lord's eyes, not by flesh. I decided right there and then that I was going to hope recklessly. I didn't know what the future was going to bring, but this child deserved to be loved and believed for and from that moment on until November 20, that is exactly what I did.
There was so much to be done and to consider now. The biggest thing was medical care and the lack of it where we lived. It was impossible to safely progress located where we were. We had to move. We had to leave the church, friends, pack, fly to Texas, find a house, doctors, and adjust to so many changes....together. It seemed like so much to ask. My morning sickness started and the reality of the life inside me overwhelmed and excited me. It was more than my heart could have ever asked for...another child...another miracle. There was so many unexpected changes and for Ahava it took some time to adjust to Mommy not picking her up as much and not feeling well. I also had a subchronic hemorrhage where I bled. It wasn't just a little bleeding, but a lot and the peace that took over was clearly the Lord. I never feared. It was as if I couldn't.
I don't have all the answers. I just know that one day I woke up and knew he was gone. I went into the doctor and his little heart beat had stopped. Bryan was gone to Atlanta. Ahava sat in the chair beside me. Our Gabriel. Our sweet little Gabriel. And so my soul asks, "what was the purpose Lord?" I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant when we did. I literally threw away the fear that excitedly demanded my soul. I walked faithfully and believed. And so my heart longed to comprehend even a little of what could be made beautiful from this. From my 7th pregnancy, my 6th child who has died. From leaving California. From looking straight into doctors faces and telling them that I believed God could do this. And so this is where I ended up...that my attitude and praise was an offering to Him. It wasn't about the outcome, it was about how I did it. We are so outcome-based. God is more concerned about what goes on in our hearts, than what the outcome is all the time. And if we live for the eternal, then Gabriel is alive and we do not mourn as though without hope and the reality of what is more real than this earth. THIS IS WHY JESUS CAME! And as I sat there this Christmas debating whether or not I was going to be sad and depressed, something deep inside wasn't allowing the pain to take over, because Jesus came to conquer death. He came so the reality of the fact that Gabriel died and did not live here on the earth, honestly isn't what I will remember when I start to TRULY live in heaven. Now don't get me wrong, and some Christians and people go far off the deep end here, I am not saying that our pain doesn't matter and that when we go through things, that we just need to "be ok and realize that this isn't eternity." I HAVE HAD A DIRECT ENCOUNTER WITH JESUS AND WHAT HE DID WAS CRY WITH ME IN MY PAIN. But we mustn't stop in our pain. It doesn't end there. It doesn't end with the sorrow and grief. I needed to walk through the pain and I still am, but I have realized it wasn't up to me to prove anything. I don't know what is next, I just know that God is with me every step of the way.